SCP-7308 - Legally Distinct Yeti

Artist's Rendition of SCP-7308

Item #: SCP-7308

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7308 is contained within a standard humanoid containment cell in Site-309.

Description: SCP-7308 appears to be a red sphere approximately two meters in diameter. All attempts to perceive the true appearance of SCP-7308 have been unsuccessful.

Addendum:

Discovery

SCP-7308 was discovered in Poplar Grove, Illinois after reports of an "orb" wandering a local apple orchard. Following the capture of SCP-7308, Gate B of Site-309 was blasted down by Soupglop, a known reality bender residing in Three Portlands, demanding that SCP-7308 be returned to her.

After fourteen hours of standard de-escalation procedures, Dr. Noah Addams managed to conduct an interview with Soupglop.

<Begin Log>

Dr. Addams: Are you ready to cooperate? Or am I going to have to call in the tranq unit again?

Soupglop: Fine. Fine. But mark my words, young man, I'm gonna be casting sooooo many hexes on you later. I'm gonna…

Soupglop gestures her hands in the air wildly.

Soupglop: And you're gonna be SORRY.

Dr. Addams: I… Okay. Well, to start, what is SCP-7308?

Soupglop: Ha! What is it? It's my INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, that's what it is.

Dr. Addams: To be clear, I'm talking about the… red circle thing.

Soupglop: Wait, circle? I thought I upgraded to the orb package! Goddammit. I'm so fucking mad. I suck at contracts. Always using so much LANGUAGE. I—

Dr. Addams: No— it's— you did fine. It's an orb. I just misspoke. Sorry.

Soupglop: Huh. How the fuck did you go from orb to circle? There's a whole DIMENSION of difference. I thought you people were supposed to be smart!

Dr. Addams: I just misspoke. I'd appreciate moving on now.

Soupglop: Peh. Fine.

Dr. Addams: So, again. What is SCP-7308, and why can we only perceive it as an orb?

Soupglop: You see him like that because you hold no shares! Nobody does! Because all the shares are mine. I copyrighted him!

Dr. Addams: Well… then what do you see it as?

Soupglop: He's a large man with white fur. He has big muscles. He would be my husband but he's kind of stupid, so I copyrighted him instead. I call him "Yeti" and he's one of a kind. That's why Lord Alrights allowed me to finalize the ritual.

Dr. Addams: Hm. One moment, please.

Dr. Addams stands, retrieves a manilla folder, then pushes it towards Soupglop. She begins inspecting its contents.

Dr. Addams: Did you know that there are countless entities that are almost identical to your "Yeti"? Therefore…

Soupglop: Oh… oh no.

A tear in reality suddenly forms above Soupglop. An eye emerges, staring directly at her.

UNKNOWN: SOUPGLOP. YOU HAVE LIED, AND BETRAYED LORD ALRIGHTS. FOR THIS YOU WILL BE PUNISHED.

Soupglop: Wait, wait, I didn't know! I didn't—

UNKNOWN: IGNORANCE IS NOT FORGIVEN. PERISH.

Soupglop disintegrates into a pile of salt, and the tear closes.

<End Log>

Following the interview, it was discovered that SCP-7308 had disintegrated into a pile of ground black pepper. Reclassification to Neutralized pending.