In mathematics, a function from a set X to a set Y assigns to each element of X exactly one element of Y.
Item #: SCP-8153
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-8153 are to be stored in marked binders and kept at least 30 meters from all other mathematical materials. Access to SCP-8153 is limited to personnel from the Department of Esoteric Mathematics, the Department of Surrealistics, and those with Level 5 clearance. All other access to SCP-8153 must be approved by Director Tarik Bascal.
Personnel may copy SCP-8153 onto any analog surface, but these copies must be erased or incinerated when the work session ends.
The two existing instances of 8153-1 are to be fixed to wooden tables via rusted nails in opposite wings of Site-∑.
Description: SCP-8153 is a mathematical function that exists on a closed interval [θ', █]. The function itself is continuous and differentiable using the epsilon-delta definition of a limit, and consists entirely of vertical tangents so that the graph resembles a barcode. Nonstandard analysis formulates SCP-8153 as the ██th derivative of an anomalous variant of the Weierstrass function.
If any non-anomalous mathematical function comes within a 7-meter proximity to an instance of SCP-8153, it will be rendered non-differentiable. If a calculator is used at any point in attempting to solve SCP-8153, the electronics will cease to function. As a whole, SCP-8153 has shown an adversity toward being formally solved.
SCP-8153-1 refers to the solution to SCP-8153.
Discovery: SCP-8153 was first discovered by Dr. █████ █. Brandt, a tenured professor of mathematics at ███████ University. Brandt's previous students recalled nothing about their courses with him, except for its "absurd difficulty" and the fact that he only ever put one question on the final. Interviews with past students, including those presently employed by the Foundation, confirm that this question has constantly been an instance of SCP-8153.
SCP-8153 came to the attention of the Foundation in 2014, when Brandt attempted to submit a proof to the Journal of Pure and Applied Mathematics. The Foundation blocked publication of the article and removed all mentions of SCP-8153 from the journal's database in addition to amnesticizing all exposed peer-reviewers.
Addendum 8153.01: On 09/05/2016, Dr. Jules Caillet filmed the following video on their cellphone from inside a storage closet at Site-∑. Viewing of expunged data requires a Cognitive Resistance Value of no less than 315.
[BEGIN LOG]
Caillet: I did it. (Delirious laughter.) I fucking did it. Eight fucking years since that bastard's calc course nearly tanked my GPA, but I've got it. I got you, motherfucker.
[Laughter continues for four seconds before Caillet catches their breath.]
Caillet: Listen, just to be safe, I'm gonna just send this to you first, Leo. This thing is probably a cognitohazard, and if it is, I'm sorry… If it's not, and it's just plain wrong, don't even tell me. I've been in here working on this for … god, I don't even know. I'm going to sleep after this, and for the first time since I've looked at this damn function, and I'm finally not going to dream of it.
[Caillet focuses the camera on a notebook on the floor.]
Caillet: Don't mind the blood. If we assume—and I know, I know, to assume is to make an ass out of you and me—but if we assume f of x is approaching ██, then ███████.
So, we all know that all we're doing to solve a function is to find out where it crosses the x-axis. Except it crosses the x-axis everywhere, so I thought if █████████████ carry the ██████████.
I mean, L'Hopital would be shitting himself if he saw how I was using this rule, but ███████ ██████████████. At least now we can use squeeze theorem to ██████████████ and you see? ████████████████ ██████████████████████████████ ██████████.
[Caillet goes into a coughing fit that lasts fifteen seconds, producing blood.]
Caillet: ███████ ██████████ █████ Eight butterflies, seven months, six ███████ ████. This part is just arithmetic, so nothing horrible, just ███████████ ██████████ ██████████ ███████████ ████ ████████████ ████████████████████████ ██████████ █████ █ ███████ ██████ and watch! It's convoluted, but from here ██████ ███ Find a tooth, doesn't need to be your own. █████ ████████████████████.
[Caillet pauses for nine seconds to catch their breath.]
Caillet: Ugh, can you believe it? It's the ugliest goddamn matrix of my career. But if you keep ████████████████████ ███ Enochian vector █████████ ███████ █ ███ ███████ ██ There is no music playing. If you hear any, do not listen to it. ███████████████████████ ██████████ This thing does not want to be parameterized, I can tell you that much. ████ ████████████████████ Shatter a teacup against the wall, then count the pieces. ████████ ████████████ ███ █████ ███████.
[Shuffles papers frantically.]
Caillet: I… don't entirely know what I did for this part, but it got me a canonical form. I'll write a formal proof later, I'm too tired now. But somehow, you need to █████████ ███ █████ ███ light a cigarette, but don't smoke it until you factorize ███████████████ and obviously, we're all familiar with the Cartan-Kähler theory, so necessarily ███████████ █████████████ Ignore everything here except the hyperreals. ██████ ████████ ███ █ ██ █ █ █ █ █ █ (Laughter, followed by a heavy sigh.) Therefore—
[Camera pans to a single piece of graph paper containing SCP-8153-1, stapled haphazardly into the wall. The symbols are seen moving across the page, attempting to escape.]
Caillet: Oh, and if you get that answer, make sure to secure it. It tried to run away from me a few times.
[END LOG]
Dr. Caillet was found unconscious after sending this recording and is currently on leave for psychiatric care. This solution was verified by the rest of Site-∑'s Department of Esoteric Mathematics and subsequently classified as SCP-8153-1.