Item #: SCP-8479
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: As the Foundation is currently unable to determine the location of SCP-8479, containment involves removing or restricting its usage. Foundation agents embedded in communication services are to disconnect any instance of the business number in question, and web-crawlers are to obfuscate or debunk information regarding it, as well as its functions. In the event of purposeful or accidental usage, an MTF must be dispatched to the pertinent residence or business to dispense with amnestics, and if possible, contain any anomalous entity encountered.
Description: SCP-8479 is a business that offers the temporary assistance of theological, apotheosic, macroorganic, or otherwise deistic entities to the public, in exchange for various services, actions, or forms of currency. In order to activate this service, a specific ten-digit number must be entered into a device capable of two-way verbal communication. Upon activation, an operative on the receiving line will greet the caller and assist them in determining the entity best-suited for their request. After making arrangements, the requested entity will arrive at the caller's vicinity, and upon accepting payment, will perform the service requested within the time limit specified. Said entity will then de-manifest from the vicinity, returning to their previous position. Entities matching this description contained by the Foundation will breach containment, regardless of any previously-established protocol, but will return to containment following interactions.
Addendum: Various recordings of interactions with SCP-8479.
The following is a recorded conversation held by a representative of SCP-8479 (self-identified as Henry Green) and one Theodore Carmelo.
Green: Nyello, Rent-a-God Agency, this is Hank Green speaking. What can I do ya for?
Carmelo: Um…Rent-a-God?
Green: Yepper, "a daily dose of divine intervention". We set you up with a supreme consciousness that fulfills whatever needs you may have for a set period of time, all at competitive rates. What seems to be your trouble today, Ted?
Carmelo: Um, well, I didn't — wait, how did you know my name?
Green: Because I work for a place called Rent-a-God Agency. Also we have caller ID.
Carmelo: Oh, right, makes sense. Um, anyway, I think I might have dialed the wrong number.
Green: Oh, we get that sometimes. It happens. I'll just let you go here and—
Carmelo: You know what? Never mind. See, the thing is, ah — I could use some help. I'm kind of low on funds, and…I'm not lookin' for a handout; I just need a good job, and…
Green: Ah, say no more there, Ted. I got Vishvakarman ready and willing for ya.
Carmelo: Um…Vishva-who?
Green: Vishvakarman. Hindu architect and craftsman. Made a bunch of chariots, armor, weapons… There's also Hephaestus, but he's pretty in-demand right now, so you'd need to add your name to the waiting list, and that might set you back a few. I can get you Ponos real cheap.
Carmelo: Ponos?
Green: Yepper, Greek personification of toil, labor, and hardship. If you want my advice, I'd go with him or ol' Vishvakarman there.
Carmelo: Um…all right. How much are they?
Green: Well, Ponos will set you back a good half-liter of perspiration, while Vishvakarman might just want a goose or a swan.
Carmelo: Uh — seriously?
Green: Oh ya. It's a real bargain, considering you're getting the Architect and Divine Engineer of the Universe from before the advent of time to help you out. How long will you be needing this god? The minimum amount's four hours.
Carmelo: Um…well, I really just need some help finding a job, so maybe…five hours?
Green: You got it, boss. I'll set you up with our rep, and he'll be over shortly. Just have a goose or swan ready for him, preferably a live one.
Carmelo: Wait, where the hell am I supposed to find a goose? I can't even afford a rotisserie chicken!
Green: Not my problem, pal. I'm sure you'll work something out.
Carmelo: You stupid son of a—
Green: All righty, take care, Ted.
<end call>
The following is a recorded conversation held by Mr. Green and a member of the Horizon Initiative, Maxwell de Sanza.
Green: Hey-hey, Rent-a-God Agency, this is Hank Green speaking. We got a special on Hawaiian, Olmec, Slavic, and Australian Aboriginal gods going on right now. What can I do ya for?
De Sanza: Mr. Green, there is only one God.
Green: (laughs politely) Not from where I'm sittin', pal.
De Sanza: But there is only one God, Mr. Green, and He is not for sale. I would like to ask you to refrain from making any statement to the contrary.
Green: Heh, or else what? You'll have Iehova or YHWH or Allah come smite me? Oh wait, those are three separate gods. Shucks.
De Sanza: Our Lord will not be mocked, Mr. Green. It would be in your best interest to repent immediately and cease this activity.
Green: Lemme guess: if I don't, I'll be in danger of eternal hellfire and damnation, am I right?
De Sanza: Puerile and flippant behavior will only hasten—
Green: Listen, Mr. de Sanza — Maxie — I've been to all sorts of hells, afterlives, and underworlds, all right? Sheol, Hades, Annwn, Musphelheim, Duat, Xibalba, Under-Vegas, you name it. I've actually dated the goddess Hel herself! Sweet woman, by the way. I can assure you, sir, that there's no threat or vow you can make that'll scare me. Now, if you'll be so kind as to inform me of the nature of this call, then we can get down to business and both be on our merry way. Otherwise, I'll have to ask you not to proselytize.
(silence)
Green: Mr. de Sanza? Maxie? You still with us there?
(silence)
Green: Yello?
De Sanza: Ah…I'm still here. Did you say your name was…
Green: Hank Green, sir, just another wage slave workin' for the man.
De Sanza: And who is your supervisor?
Green: Well, right now it's Mr. Mazda, but sometimes Mr. Utu fills in for em'. Usually it's Gaia or Ouranos, though.
De Sanza: Mr. Mazda?
Green: Yessir. Ahura Mazda. Zoroastrian Lord of Wisdom and god of the sky. The Creator of Existence, the one who establishes the Order of Existence, so on and so forth.
(silence)
Green: I can call em' over for ya if you want.
De Sanza: No…I don't think that will be necessary. Good day.
Green: All righty, you too, Maxie.
<end call>
The following is a recorded conversation held by Mr. Green and GOC member (Five Elements Association) Toyoko Hashida.
Green: Gooooooood afternoon, this is Rent-a-God Agency, here to offer insight, roadside assistance, or just some good old-fashioned company. I'm Hank Green, here to help.
Hashida: Kon'nichiwa, Midori-san. My English…eh, is not…
Note: the remainder of the conversation is translated from Japanese.
Green: No worries there, my friend, I'm a master of many languages. How can I help today?
Hashida: Ah, thank you. I apologize. How are you today?
Green: Splendid. Had a good breakfast, got some jogging done, heard a good joke around the water cooler… It's going pretty good, thanks for asking. How about you?
Hashida: I'm well. If it isn't too much trouble, I was wondering if I could put in a small request.
Green: You go right ahead, Miss.
Hashida: Before I do, though, can you promise to treat this with the utmost discretion?
Green: Absolutely, ma'am. All of our calls are completely confidential. Nothing comes in or goes out without your consent.
Hashida: All right. I would like to request an assassination.
Green: (hisses) Eeeeugh, we don't really do that sort of thing, sorry. We only employ a handful of death gods and none of them are…hmm, shall we say, proactive. They mostly acts as guides, delivery services, or euthanizers.
Hashida: Money is no object, Mr. Green.
Green: It's not a question of money, ma'am, it's just company policy. Even our most bloodthirsty gods of destruction tend to shy away from killing people. It's for our own safety, ma'am — plus, all the mountains of paperwork we have to fill out…
Hashida: Not even to save the lives of other people? What if, by your inaction, many others will die?
Green: That's for people much higher on the corporate ladder to decide, ma'am. I'm just a guy in a chair, in front of a monitor, trying to match customers with our representatives.
(silence)
Hashida: I see. That's disappointing.
Green: Toyoko, if I may?
(silence)
Hashida: How did you know…
Green: Kwannon says she's sorry your mother died like that.
(silence)
Green: She knows that doesn't make it better. She knows that…you never wanted anybody's sympathy, least of all hers. She knows you turned your back to her, because she never helped you before. But she still wept bitter tears when your mother died, and she's still watching over you. She wants you to remember the time you survived that building collapsing around you. Or the time your friend's cancer went into remi—
Hashida: My mother isn't dead. And I was never Buddhist.
(silence)
Green: Are you not Toyoko Hoshido?
Hashida: No. HA-shi-DA.
(silence)
Green: (muttering) Shoot, I pulled up the wrong file… (the sound of typing is heard) Ah! Okay! There you are! Sorry, my bad! Yup, Saeko Hashida's alive and well! Forget everything I said! Anyway, as I was saying, we don't kill people or other gods or wha — wait, aren't you dating a Rokurokubi?
Hashida: I… You said this call was confidential!
Green: You are! You lousy little hypocrite! You want to kill akuma or mazoku or some random oni your Coalition bosses don't like, but you're also shacking up with a yokai!
[Hashida's response has been redacted due to excessive vulgarity]
Green: I have to ask, Toyoko: how long can their neck stretch out, and can their other body parts stretch, too? I've got a betting pool going on here and—
(a dial tone is heard)
Green: And she's gone. Oh well. Sayonara!
<end call>
The following is a recorded conversation held by Mr. Green and MTF Beta-4 (“Castaways”) member Tess Inglebard.
Green: Greetings and sewertations, this is Rent-a-God Agency, I'm Hank Green, and we're here to literally answer your prayers.
Inglebard: Uh, yeah, hi. A friend of mine told me about this number. They said you loan out the gods.
Green: Yes ma'am, all at fair rates. Worship, toil, sacrifice, cold hard cash, that sort of thing.
Inglebard: Right. Uh…do you also loan them out for…relationship assistance?
Green: Yes ma'am, all sorts. We've got Eros, Kamadeva, Erzulie Freda Dahomey, Bastet, Branwen, Freyr, Maitreya, Xochipilli — a close personal friend of mine…
Inglebard: Uh, yeah. Listen, uh…do you… (hesitates)
Green: All your calls are confidential and secure, ma'am, and I'm not here to judge you. Now what can we do for you?
(silence)
Inglebard: (whispers) Do you loan them out for…personal pleasure?
Green: Yes ma'am: all shapes, sizes, genders, and species.
Inglebard: Um, I don't want anything too crazy, all right? I just…
(silence)
Inglebard: I've always wondered what it would be like to…to be with a goddess.
Green: I can do that for ya — and you say you want something fairly vanilla, am I right?
Inglebard: Uh, yeah, yeah. No hermaphrodites or anthropomorphic creatures or…esoteric concepts, you know.
Green: Sure, sure. So a human-looking female. What age range would you like?
Inglebard: Um, mid-to-late twenties.
Green: Ahuh. Do you have a preference for ethnicity?
Inglebard: Middle-Eastern. Indian. Somewhere around there.
Green: I know just the one. And how long would you like to rent our representative? The minimum's four hours.
Inglebard: Can I get them for the whole day?
Green: You got it: twenty-four hours. Now normally, I handle the payment, but this particular individual likes negotiating with her clients face-to-face, so you'll have to make arrangements in person.
Inglebard: That's fine. Uh…
Green: Yes ma'am? Is there anything else I can do for you?
(silence)
Inglebard: No, no. I just…can't believe any of this is real.
Green: We get that all the time, ma'am. I can assure you, Rent-a-God Agency is a legitimate business. Whatever you need, we provide, and all at fair rates.
Inglebard: Uh, yeah. Um…thank you.
Green: You're welcome, ma'am. Enjoy your time with our rep.
<end call>
Following this exchange, SCP-4960 breached containment, materializing at the front door of Inglebard's private residence. It was then invited inside, where it remained for a period of twenty-four hours. An MTF dispatched to recapture SCP-4960 was incapable of approaching any closer than fifteen meters of the residence for the duration of this time. Following this, SCP-4960 returned to its containment and Inglebard was reprimanded for her actions, though the severity of her punishment was lessened following her cooperation in obtaining the pertinent telephone number. In an attempt to establish communications, Site-203 Senior Researcher Reuben Bialowieski was approved for usage of the number.
The following is a recorded conversation held by Mr. Green and Bialowieski.
Green: Hey there, hi there, ho there, you've reached Rent-a-God Agency, this is Hank Green speaking. How can I help you, boss?
Bialowieski: Hello, Mr. Green. My name is Reuben, and I represent an organization that has expressed great interest in forming a relationship with your company.
Green: Ah, I was wondering when the Foundation would call me! Now I can finally drop these outrageous yeoman's colloquialisms. (sighs) You sincerely have no idea how galling it can be, behaving in that manner. One does what one must to survive, eh?
Bialowieski: Uh, yes. I take it you're no ordinary human employed at this agency, correct?
Green: (laughs politely) No, Mr. Bialowieski, far from it. But that's not the only reason you're calling, I take it.
Bialowieski: No. I'm interested in keeping this number and its services out of the public eye. It's nothing personal; I just…
Green: Have to contain it because otherwise, people might experience mass hysteria. Non compos mentis, as it were. Especially in religious circles.
Bialowieski: It would seem you already understand the nature of our organization. That simplifies things.
Green: Well, it would, but the functions and operations of the Rent-a-God Agency are completely out of my hands, sir. I'm little more than a representative, a middle-man. A…messenger for the gods, as it were.
Bialowieski: Ah. Hank Green. H-G. I get it.
Green: (laughs politely) Not one of my cleverer aliases, but it suffices. But it would seem we are at an impasse, sir. You wish for my organization to remain hidden, while I, and a great number of individuals like myself, wish to remain in business. It's tough times out there, Mr. Bialowieski, even for the gods. Worship and sacrifices are down, the old ways are dying, science and technology is on the rise, et cetera and so forth, insert American Gods reference here.
Bialowieski: (laughs quietly) You seem to be in good spirits, though.
Green: That's why I'm on the other end of the line, sir.
Bialowieski: Hmm. Perhaps we can make an…arrangement, or compromise. We already have a good number of your, uh, associates, ah…employed here—
Green: Contained, Reuben. Call it what it is. You won't offend me. I helped Lord Jove cohabitate with Ganymede behind Lady Juno's back and bedded a woman who was half-rotted; nothing fazes me anymore. By the way, how is her highness?
Bialowieski: I don't maintain much communication with Site-92, but I've heard she's doing well. Improving, actually.
Green: Ah, that's good to hear. I was hoping she'd turn out all right. But she'd probably kill me if she knew about this, so maybe keep her out of the negotiations.
Bialowieski: (chuckles) Very well. So you'd be willing to cooperate?
Green: Oh no, not me, sir: I may be a messenger, a healer, and a businessman, but I'm also a trickster. You really shouldn't trust me with anything outside of my duties. I'd recommend Kubera or Lakshmi for this sort of thing, or Ebisu and Daikokuten.
Bialowieski: You do realize that, by saying this, I can't trust your recommendations, either.
Green: (laughs) You're a sharp one, Reuben; I like you. Tell you what: is Bes still around?
Bialowieski: Yes.
Green: Get his opinion on the matter. He always struck me as the reliable sort. Just mention the part about the fish and he'll help you out.
Bialowieski: The…fish?
Green: Oh yeah, always a good laugh. He'll know what you mean.
Bialowieski: All right, I'll keep that in mind. Until then, could you possibly curtail your business practices until we iron out all the details?
Green: Nope, sorry, gotta keep the Norns and Muses and Kami fed! The wheels of commerce stop for no one! Just ask Ixion! (laughs)
Bialowieski: Wait, Mr. Gre—
<end call>
Following this interaction, SCP-208 was contacted and informed of the situation. It agreed to communicate with the business on behalf of the Foundation, with Site-19 Co-Director Moose's approval.
The following is a recorded conversation held by SCP-208 and a representative of SCP-8479, self-identifying as Roti Pavana.
Pavana: Good morning, you've reached Rent-a-God Agency, this is Roti Pavana speaking. How may I help you?
SCP-208: Hi, Vayu, it's Bes. Is Hank around?
(silence)
Pavana: Who?
SCP-208: Bes. Protector of households. Defender of everything good and the enemy of all that is bad. The funny little fat guy from Egypt.
(the sound of typing is heard)
Pavana: Bes is under a long-term contract with another company, sir. If you're trying to reach Bastet, or—
SCP-208: No, no, no, no, Vayu, I am Bes! I'm trying to reach HANK GREEN.
Pavana: OOOOOOOOHHHH!! (laughs) I do apologize for that, sir.
SCP-208: (chuckles) No problem.
Pavana: Mr. Green has the day off.
SCP-208: Ah, figures. The one time I try and get in touch with him and he's off fooling around with La Dama Palida, or Ereshkigal, or, or, I dunno, flippin' Yanluo! (sighs) Did he mention anything about negotiating with the SCP Foundation?
Pavana: Uh, yes, he left some notes here. (the sound of paper shuffling is heard) Ah. It says here that he left the terms of negotiation with Vishnu.
SCP-208: (groans) Oh, great. Leave it up to a trickster to bury paperwork underneath a guy with ten Avatars. Did he say which incarnation of Vishnu?
Pavana: No, just "Vishnu".
SCP-208: Fantastic. (sighs) Lazy bum, makin' me do all the legwork when my schedule's already packed… (silence) Hey, wait, I just got a crazy idea. I'm technically a customer, right?
Pavana: Yes, sir.
SCP-208: That means I can rent one of your associates to perform a task, right?
Pavana: That is correct, sir. I am authorized to handle that process.
SCP-208: Wonderful. I'd like to rent someone to help me out with these negotiations.
Pavana: All right. I believe Wotan is available to—
SCP-208: No, no, no, no, I have someone else in mind. Just send a guy named Whiskey Jack over to my place. Tell him that Bes is calling in that favor. If he's obstinate, tell him I have the thing that Samedi stole from him and I'm willing to make a trade. He'll know what you mean.
Pavana: Yes, sir. (the sound of typing is heard) Will there be anything else, sir?
SCP-208: Just give my best to Osiris and Thoth. Oh, and if you see Anubis wandering around, tell him Ammit says "hello".
Pavana: Yes, sir. Thank you for calling Rent-a-God Agency. Would you care to leave a review for your call?
SCP-208: Sure. Five stars, ten outta ten, a hundred percent. Whatever's the max. Thanks, Vayu.
<end call>
Following this, negotiations between representatives of SCP-8479 and the Foundation were drawn out. In exchange for maintaining their continued existence, SCP-8479's arbiters agreed to cease all public interactions and direct their business practices solely to Foundation-approved Groups and Persons of Interest, including the SCP Foundation as a whole. SCP-8479 was then reclassified as Thaumiel.
Update: One month following the events of this document, a loophole in the agreements drawn out by the Foundation and arbiters of SCP-8479 was discovered and summarily exploited by representatives of the latter. All previous agreements were rendered null and void, and SCP-8479's original classification was reinstated. SCP-208 was disciplined for its involvement; a representative of Goldbaker-Reinz Insurance Group Ltd. was unavailable for comment.
A search for the location of SCP-8479, as well as various Persons of Interest involved with the company, is currently underway.
A Dutch advertisement for SCP-8479.