Self explanatory. (~1.5k words)
Tennis player Adam Davidson, following a “service ace”.
Item #: SCP-8574
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: Further research concerning the functions of SCP-8574 are required for the ability to allow containment. Additional containment efforts are currently considered unneeded.
Description: SCP-8574 refers to an event that occurred on May 12, 2026, causing the integration of various foreign concepts within the Noosphere centered within Organized Cluster OC-4262, occurring over the times between 2:21 AM and 7:34 AM, EST time.
As a result of SCP-8574, all formalized rules of tennis now include an additional clause, most often defined as the “Penis Game Clause”, classified as SCP-8574-1. This does not affect any other sport, including pickleball and badminton.
SCP-8574-1 is defined, in competition rules, as the requirement to state the word “penis” upon serving or receiving the ball in a round. The stating of “penis” must also be at least 1 dB louder than the previous, and occur within 0.5 seconds of the racquet making contact with the ball.
Failure to do so acts as a penalty, and forfeits the round for the violator. In the case of foreign languages, should both parties reach a consensus, the language of which “penis” is stated in may be altered for ease.
Certain alterations to the rule occur, depending on the variation of tennis.
Doubles tennis: Both players in a team must simultaneously state “penis” within 0.2 seconds of each other, irregardless of who receives the ball.
Beach tennis: Due to the more demanding nature, stating “penis” only occurs every other turn, but requires at least a 5 dB increase in exchange.
Soft tennis: Although there are no alterations significant enough to require changes to SCP-8574-1, soft tennis players must repeat “tennis” twice per receive, within a 5 dB range of each, resembling the “echo” of the hollow ball.
Table tennis player, after receiving.
Table tennis: Players do not raise their decibel rating. Instead, there is a maximum decibel cap of 60 dB. Instead, players must perform more and more energetic movements with their upper body upon stating “penis”. This is under subject to the umpire, which in competitive games is often some form of experienced dance teacher or performer.
Several slang words and terms have arisen relating to SCP-8574-1, as well as several strategies utilizing it. For example, a player may utilize “sounding”, wherein they deliberately increase their decibels to extremely high levels early on in hopes of achieving a quick victory against an opponent who cannot raise it further.
Attached is the excerpt of two commentators from a 2026 US Open male singles category tennis match, analyzing the match after its conclusion.
DOCUMENT 8574/01
Commentators: Chris Evert, John McEnroe
Players: Carlos Alcaraz Garfia, Jakub Menšik
[BEGIN LOG]
Garfia dribbles the ball with his left hand, adjusting one step to the right.
Evert: And we can see here at Alcaraz, clearly going for his classic speed serve.
Garfia serves, the ball landing within boundary.
Garfia: PENIS!
Garfia, mid-serve.
McEnroe pauses the feed.
McEnroe: Alcaraz there, clearly going for the sounding start, making himself loud and proud at 104 dB, trying for a short round to widen his lead.
The feed resumes, with Menšik sharply retorting the ball back.
Menšik: PENIS!
Evert pauses.
Evert: And right there going for a climb with that response from Menšik! 115 with that shout, that ball going straight to the corner-
McEnroe: It’s gonna take a lot out of Alvarez to raise that while running his way over, not many could do that even at peak physical strength and it’s already been an hour of this game-
Evert: I mean, he’s well enough to just forego here, save his breath, save his stamina, but look here-
The feed resumes, with Garfia sprinting to the ball and slicing it, making it land just over the net.
Garfia: PENIS!
McEnroe: And look at that, an amazing recovery, but if you-
The umpire blows his whistle, placing both his hands behind his ears. The crowd and Alcaraz groan.
Evert: 4 dB under Menšik, a damn shame.
McEnroe: Those penises will get you at the worst of times.
[END LOG]
Addendum 1 — Reversal Attempt: A Foundation-made attempt to reverse the effects of SCP-8574 was made in 2027, under the purview of Project DEUX.
Project DEUX involved the gradual integration of various actions to reduce the favorability of SCP-8574-1 in tennis games. Once the concepts involved in SCP-8574 were in acceptable ranges to the concepts of “forgetfulness” and “unknown”, its manual extraction from the wider Noosphere will be performed, and it shall be isolated to a “quarantine zone”.
The following initial steps were taken through government cooperation:
- Rollback on various physical and digital decibel recording devices, and of portable microphones, under guise of technical issues.
- Stricter regulations on the playing of tennis utilizing SCP-8574-1 rules, under reason of public disturbances.
- Stricter censorship regulations, forcing further removal of tennis games from television channels.
- Artificial popularization of a new “penisless variation” of tennis, wherein SCP-8574-1 is not included within the ruleset.
Unfortunately, this was met with widespread rejection from both the public and various governmental powers. Most actions undertaken were reverted within one month, and caused severe damage to various international relations with the SCP Foundation.
Project DEUX was disbanded under Overseer ruling to prevent further issues, and the SCP-8574 research team was temporarily suspended until more effective containment efforts could be drafted.
An interview was conducted following the cessation of Project DEUX with the United States Tennis Association President Brian Hainline.
DOCUMENT 8574/02
Interviewer: Senior Researcher Martín Williams (Former Project DEUX Head)
Interviewee: Brian Hainline (USTA President)
Williams: Thank you for agreeing to this, Brian.
Hainline: No problem at all. After all the bribes you’ve given my company, one two minute talk won’t hurt.
Williams: Thought you were calling them donations.
Hainline: Oh yeah, I was, but I couldn’t give less of a shit anymore.
Williams: Alright, well… you remember the plans we proposed for you last year?
Hainline: Hm… you mean those penisless tennis plans you propped for us?
Williams: Yes.
Hainline: Absolutely garbage.
Williams: Huh?
Hainline: Look, I get you “Sports Creativity Partnership” people, wanting to diversify the tennis scene. But there are simply some core aspects you can not deny. Removing the Penis Clause out of tennis is like removing the hoop in basketball!
Williams: Well-
Hainline: Think of the headlines! ‘2028 US Open: Now Penisless!’ Do you know how goddamn absurd that sounds?! This isn’t a Kafka book, Mark!
Williams: It’s actually Martín-
Hainline: Would you tell a man that he could no longer breathe?! Would you tell a writer that they may no longer use a goddamn pen?! Or write anything at all?
Williams: Brian-
Hainline: We can never change at our core. Even if it kills us, it just- it can’t work. You’re asking too much of the very bloodline of our essence. The very nature of what it is to play tennis.
Williams: I-
Hainline: I was a young boy when I took up my first racquet and played my first game of tennis. Didn’t have the money for an instructor, so of course I was—pardon my language— shit. But something in that gave me… well, I don’t know. A spark. A rush of just the right power of hitting the ball, watching it soar through the sky, Fallon just out of reach of the opponent. Then yelling out a massive “penis”.
Williams: Actually-
Hainline: I would never allow another person not to experience the absolute, unconditional joy I felt that day. Not one.
Silence for thirty seconds.
Hainline: My son, he— he just started out in tennis, and if I had to look into his face and say, “You’re not allowed to scream
‘penis’ in tennis”, I- I don’t know what I could think of myself. As a father. As a man.
Silence for ten seconds.
Hainline: That’s the beauty of the sport. Of the world. That feeling of wonder and whimsy with that word. The pride of screaming it louder than anyone ever could. Rebelling against the system and all with one defiant shout.
Silence for forty-three seconds.
Hainline: Magic. That’s the word. Magic.
Silence for five seconds.
Williams: Oookay then.
Hainline: It simply wouldn’t work. Ever. You can’t ever take out the penises from our history. Not ever.
Silence for fifty-six seconds.
Williams: Well, um, thank you for your time.
Hainline: Tennis had penises when it was born, and it’ll have penises till it’ll die.
[END LOG]
Addendum 2 — Recent Developments: On December 7, 2030, a similar event to SCP-8574 occurred, now centered on OC-5260. The following evening, in a game between the Oklahoma City Thunders and Los Angeles Lakers, rules indicated a “Penis Clause”, wherein teams were required to communally state “penis” once every 10 seconds.
Further investigation of SCP-8574 revealed that the foreign concepts were not forcibly created, but rather manually migrated from their original place in OC-9472, where SCP-8574-1 was originally a standalone game, often played during elementary school.
Although not inherently anomalous, the fact that the organized clusters actively accepted SCP-8574 was, going against previously established laws regarding Noospheric Cluster Fusion.
“Badminton” cluster pictured on December 10, 2030. SCP-8574 related concepts observed on the right, entering the cluster.
One popular theory regarding SCP-8574 is that the extraordinary presence of “penile” concepts in the societal zeitgeist has caused them to be willingly accepted into conceptual clusters, despite their foreign nature. As this cannot be verified until the sample size of related events grows, it should not be taken as the ultimate truth regarding the anomaly.
Similar SCP-8574 concepts have also been located within various other “sports”-based clusters, targeting other ball sports initially, likely spreading more distantly afterwards. Preventative measures have been researched and been deemed impossible without risking further unpredictable transformations of sports regulations and culture.
Compared to these possible alterations, SCP-8574 events appear to be harmless to overall societal constructs and normalcy upon its occurrence.
It is estimated that by 2052, 96% of all sports will now include some form of the “Penis Clause”.