SCP-8791 - Walk Like an Egyptian

This bit down here controls the logo and subtitle changes. Is it cursed? Yes. Is it annoyingly effective? Also yes.

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--header-subtitle: var(--neopaganism);
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A depiction of SCP-8791 in The Papyrus of Hunefer.

Item #: SCP-8791

Object Class: Terminal - Ticonderoga,

Special Containment Procedures: Due to its method of occurence and the relatively small sample size of affected parties, no containment measures for SCP-8791 are possible or necessary.

Description: SCP-8791 is a phenomenon that occurs after the death of an individual who holds belief in the existence of Ancient Egyptian deities. SCP-8791 will occur regardless of the individual's race, ethnicity, age, primary religion, and/or strength of their belief in said deities.

Further information is classified Level 5/8791.

- ACCESS GRANTED

Discovery: SCP-8791 was discovered via the Foundation's use of the Afterlife Recording Device (A.R.D.), an experimental device used by the Department of Tactical Theology to find potential afterlives within the Mnemosyne Expanse.

The individual that made the Foundation aware of SCP-8791 was Agent Saeed Fakhoury, who volunteered to be implanted with an A.R.D. and terminated in order to record the results.

<BEGIN RECORDING>

(Agent Fakhoury is laying on his back, looking up towards a sky filled with stars. He groans, before he sits himself upwards. The sound of sloshing water can be heard.)

Fakhoury: Huh…

???: You're finally awake…

(Agent Fakhoury turns to the source of the voice, revealing that they are on an ornate barque travelling down a river. The speaker is a humanoid with the head of an Ammotragus lervia ram, who is using a paddle.)

???: It has been a long while since anyone has ridden down the Dū’at's Nile with me. You should consider yourself lucky, Saeed.

Fakhoury: … Afu-Ra?

(The entity chuckles.)

Afu-Ra: Good, it seems that your Akh has made it here perfectly intact.

Fakhoury: But… this is the Mesektet. How can I be on here? I'm no Pharoah, and I was buried in a mere coffin…

(Afu-Ra gives Agent Fakhoury a smirk.)

Afu-Ra: Have you forgotten the details of your life already, Saeed? Sopdet marked you, Kraken, and ███████ each as a Pharoah when you partook in her celebration. I think that is due cause enough for you to earn a seat on my barque.

Fakhoury: I… This doesn't make any sense! I don't have any funerary texts, I wasn't mummified, I don't even have a scarab—!

Afu-Ra: Calm yourself, Saeed Abasi Fakhoury. (chuckles) The process has been, as you mortals say, streamlined a bit. Rest assured, you will be guaranteed safe passage through the Dū’at.

Fakhoury: I… Okay…

Afu-Ra: Good. Now, I must tend to the river. Please, feel free to enjoy the sights before we reach the first Gate.

(Agent Fakhoury and Afu-Ra lapse into silence.)

Afu-Ra: Ready yourself, Saeed. We near the first Gate.

(Agent Fakhoury turns his gaze away from a distant wall comprised of turquoise, and looks towards the front. A massive stone gate engraved with hieroglyphics towers over the barque. An equally large Naja pallida is coiled around the pillar, and hisses in Agent Fakhoury's direction. Standing in front of the gate's entrance is a tall, nude humanoid reading a papyrus scroll. The entity furls the scroll back up as the barque approachs.)

???: Afu-Ra. (She bows.) It seems you have a passenger. I can scarcely remember the last time it was so.

Afu-Ra: (Laughs) Indeed, Sia. You can thank Sopdet for that.

Sia: Ah, of course… (Clears her throat, then turns to the snake) Desert-Protector, please be a dear and let our passengers through.

(The snake hisses once more, but acquiesces, unfurling themselves from the pillar and curling up by Sia's side. It glares at Agent Fakhoury.)

Fakhoury: I… I don't think Desert-Protector likes me that much.

(Sia laughs uproariously.)

Sia: They were not chosen for their friendliness. But worry not; despite their blustering, they will bring no harm to you.

Fakhoury: That's… reassuring.

Afu-Ra: Indeed. We must be going now, Sia. We've got a long journey ahead of us still.

Sia: Of course. I bid you two farewell…

(The only sounds for approximately three minutes are Afu-Ra's paddling against the river before Afu-Ra speaks.)

Afu-Ra: We approach the second Gate.

(The gate before them lacks both a snake and a humanoid guardian, and precedes what appears to be a lake made out of flames in a magnitude of colours.)

Fakhoury: Huh, there's no one here…

Afu-Ra: Do not be so hasty, Saeed. Each Gate is a goddess in their own right, so the Dū’at is never truly unprotected. Now…

(Afu-Ra plants the oar into the water, cranes their neck up towards the gate, and shouts.)

Afu-Ra: ██ ██ ███, grant us passage!

(There is rumbling from the gate for approximately five seconds, before it abruptly ceases.)

Fakhoury: What—?

Afu-Ra: I simply spoke the goddess' true name, and she complied. … I trust you will not repeat what you've just heard.

Fakhoury: I don't think I could even pronounce it.

Afu-Ra: (Laughs) Fair enough. Now, let us move forward!

(Agent Fakhoury is holding his hands over the fiery lake.)

Fakhoury: Incredible… I feel no heat at all coming from these flames, even though we're so close to them.

Afu-Ra: Indeed? Did you believe the laws from your world would apply to a realm such as this?

Fakhoury: I-I… Well… Um…

Afu-Ra: Relax, Saeed. I am merely teasing you. You have to keep a good sense of humor, with the job I am required to do.

Fakhoury: Right… Right, you do have to keep Ap—

(Afu-Ra suddenly clamps a hand over Agent Fakhoury's mouth, looking down at him sternly.)

Afu-Ra: Dare not speak his name, Saeed Abasi Fakhoury. You of all people should know that names possess a great power. Understood?

(Agent Fakhoury nods.)

Afu-Ra: …Good. (They remove their hand from Agent Fakhoury, and resume their paddling.) The third Gate nears.

(The gate they approach is surrounded by Canis lupaster lupaster, and an enormous Naja haje is coiled against the underside of the gate, looking down at Afu-Ra and Agent Fakhoury almost expectantly.)

Afu-Ra: Now, Saeed, before we can pass this Gate, you must promise not to dip yourself into the lake of life that follows ahead.

Fakhoury: … I promise.

(The cobra looks between Afu-Ra and Agent Fakhoury for a moment, before it bobs its head and recedes to the top of the gate.)

Afu-Ra: Rest yourself now. We may be a quarter of the way done, but there is still more Gates to traverse.

Fakhoury: … Do I even need to sleep, here?

(Afu-Ra shrugs.)

Afu-Ra: No, but it will help pass the time.

Fakhoury: … I … can't argue with that, I suppose.

(Agent Fakhoury rests himself against the bench he sits on.)

Afu-Ra: Awaken yourself, Saeed.

(Agent Fakhoury groans, but does not stir further.)

Afu-Ra: You do not want to miss this sight, trust me!

(Agent Fakhoury lets out another groan, but sits up back against the bench. The barque has now approached a fourth gate. What is estimated to be thousands of animal-headed deities are seen carrying lengths of rope on the sides of the gate.)

Fakhoury: What… are they doing?

(Afu-Ra smiles wanly.)

Afu-Ra: They are preparing to measure the fields of the Dū’at. A long and arduous process, but a necessary one.

Fakhoury: Even the underworld needs its wheat tended to, I suppose.

(Afu-Ra nods, but does not reply as they continue to row through the gate.)

(The barque approaches the fifth gate. Afu-Ra visibly tenses.)

Afu-Ra: Apep approaches, Saeed. Follow my instructions, and let me do the talking.

Fakhoury: Okay.

(Suddenly, a massive obsidian serpent appears from the side of the gate and coils around the structure in its entirety, before looking directly at Afu-Ra.)

Afu-Ra: Foul creature! How many times must I do battle with you before you learn your lesson?

(The serpent does not answer, instead baring its fangs at Afu-Ra. Its gaze suddenly turns towards Agent Fakhoury.)

Afu-Ra: Saeed, avert your gaze, lest Apep entrance you!

(Agent Fakhoury complies, though the A.R.D. still continues to record Apep. A chuckle emanates from the serpent.)

Apep: You see with a false eye, Saeed Abasi Fakhoury. I might not be able to get to you, but perhaps I can reach your superiors…

(Apep's eyes suddenly gain cognitohazardous properties.)

Afu-Ra: Your conflict is with me, demon!

(Apep looks at Afu-Ra, hissing at them.)

Afu-Ra: You shall not harm my passenger while I still draw breath!

(Apep prepares to lunge at Afu-Ra, but is stopped by the appearance of 20 animal-headed deities, who rapidly climb up the gate and begin stabbing at the serpent's scales with knives. The entity writhes and hisses in pain as deep wounds are carved into its skin; translucent heads fly out of the gashes and scatter across the landscape.)

Afu-Ra: You may rest easy now, Saeed. Apep will trouble us no more.

Fakhoury: … This happens every night? It must be exhausting for you.

Afu-Ra: (Chuckles) Not as much as you may think. Let us venture forth now.

Afu-Ra: We reach the half-way point, Saeed. Nothing will vex us as much as the last Gate did from this point forward, I assure you.

Fakhoury: That's a relief…

Afu-Ra: Indeed. Now, before we pass this next Gate, there are matters to be attended to.

Fakhoury: Matters?

(The barque approaches the gate. Seven poles with the heads of jackals mounted onto them line the left side, each holding two bound figures.)

Fakhoury: What—?

(Afu-Ra holds up a hand, silencing Agent Fakhoury. The entity stares at the bound figures for approximately a minute. They then nod, and swipe their hand leftward; the figures are bloodlessly decapitated, and slump down towards the ground.)

Afu-Ra: Even now, enemies of the gods must be punished, especially during these long and arduous nights. Be thankful that you are not one of them, Saeed.

(Agent Fakhoury does not reply.)

(The seventh gate nears. Afu-Ra and Agent Fakhoury turn towards it. Beyond it are twenty animal-headed deities each carrying a whip. Each one is adorned with the heads of four Falco biarmicus and the heads of four humans.)

(Afu-Ra and Agent Fakhoury look at each other.)

Afu-Ra: Some things are just as inexplicable to us gods as they are to you mortals. Best not to question it.

Fakhoury: O… kay…

Afu-Ra: Look sharp, Saeed. We approach the eighth, and arguably most important, Gate.

(Coiled around the gate is a giant Cerastes cerastes, engulfed in strong flames.)

Afu-Ra: Come. Stand beside me.

(After a few seconds, Agent Fakhoury complies, walking up across the barque until he is standing to the side of Afu-Ra.)

Afu-Ra: (Whispering) Listen very carefully to me. Do not break eye-contact with the snake, no matter what it does. Understood?

(Agent Fakhoury nods, before looking directly at the snake, who stares back at him. It flicks its tongue out several times over ten seconds of prolonged eye contact, and moves closer towards Agent Fakhoury. It bares its fangs. Agent Fakhoury does not move.)

(Silence and stillness for thirty seconds.)

(Finally, the snake pulls away from Agent Fakhoury, and slithers to the top of the gate. Agent Fakhoury lets out a shaky breath of air.)

Afu-Ra: Osiris does not consider you an enemy. Rest easy now, Saeed.

Fakhoury: Tell that to my heart…

(The barque approaches the ninth gate. To the right side of it, a Panthera leo leo possessing the head of a Micronisus gabar stares at Agent Fakhoury. Beside it are two humanoids, one with the head of a Falco peregrinus and the other with the head of an unknown animal.)

Afu-Ra: (To Agent Fakhoury) Horus and Set, my compatriots. (To Horus and Set) Good tidings.

Horus: Hmph, as good as they've ever been, I suppose. (They snap their head towards Agent Fakhoury.) Ah, it seems we have a new king in our midst.

Set: (Huffs) Only by technicality, thanks to that dog-starred loon—

Horus: You will mind your tongue! That "loon" is my mother!

Set: (Sighs) … Yes, you're right. I spoke out of turn. (To Afu-Ra) While we would love to stay and chat, you have a job to do, and so do we. The Red Land and the Black Land cannot tend to themselves.

Afu-Ra: Indeed not. We shall be on our way, then.

Fakhoury: (Under his breath as they depart) Are all gods' family lives so dramatic?

(The tenth gate is approached. Iron chains circle around Apep, who is bound to the top of the gate. It writhes and hisses in pain, the wounds from its previous encounter still visible through the chains.)

Fakhoury: Y'know, seeing him like this… it's almost pitiful.

Afu-Ra: (Scoffs) It is a creature that deserves neither pity nor empathy. Were it not for myself and the others' doing, it would plunge the world into eternal night, sewing chaos and despair throughout the lands. If I could slay the beast permanently, I would not hesitate!

Fakhoury: I see…

(Agent Fakhoury sneezes.)

Afu-Ra: Something the matter, Saeed?

Fakhoury: No… No, I'm fine.

Afu-Ra: … Were you, by chance, allergic to cats in life?

Fakhoury: … Yeah, actually. Why do… you… ask?

(The barque comes to the eleventh gate. Resting on top of it is an enormous Egyptian Mau, who looks down at Afu-Ra and Agent Fakhoury, its tail swishing lazily from left to right and then back again.)

Afu-Ra: Meeyuty…

Meeyuty: (Purrs, causing the area to rumble) Afu-Ra. It's felt like aeons since you had a passenger on the Mesektet. What's the occassion?

Fakhoury: I— (Sneezes) I'm a Pharaoh, technically.

Meeyuty: My my, a Pharaoh after all these centuries. … Have the standards really fallen so low?

Afu-Ra: (Warningly) Meeyuty…

Meeyuty: I jest, nothing more. Though, I suggest you do something about that cold, dear. It's unbecoming, especially in the presence of—

Afu-Ra: (Clears their throat) May you please allow us passage?

Meeyuty: (Meows) So impatient. Very well, you may pass…

(Meeyuty taps a paw against the gate, before leaping down off of it and trotting to an unknown location. The barque enters uneventfully afterward.)

Afu-Ra: Your part in this journey nears its end, Saeed.

(They approach a final gate, where two Dasypeltis scabra encircle each of its pillars. On the right side of the gate lies a path that heads eastwards towards a distant temple.)

Afu-Ra: The Hall of Maʽat, and your final judgment, awaits you.

(The barque pulls up to the path, and Agent Fakhoury disembarks. He looks up at Afu-Ra.)

Fakhoury: I… Um… It was an honor, riding the Mesektet with you.

(Afu-Ra laughs.)

Afu-Ra: The honor was all mine, Saeed. And I wish you luck on your judgment. Now, I must go and bring about a new day. Farewell!

(The barque departs towards the gate, which Agent Fakhoury watches for a few moments, before he begins to walk up the path to the Hall of Maʽat.)

(Agent Fakhoury finds himself in a vast room, wherein 21 animal-headed deities each line against the left- and rightmost sides. In the front of the room sits a pure golden scale, with a single ostrich feather placed on one end. Standing beside it is a tall deity with the head of a jackal, and next to them lays a creature resembling a Crocodylus niloticus.)

Fakhoury: … Lord Anubis… (He bows.)

(Anubis remains silent, instead crooking their head towards the deities that line the side walls.)

Fakhoury: Oh, right, of course.

(Agent Fakhoury turns his head to the leftmost entity, and clears his throat.)

Fakhoury: Usekh-nemmt, I did not create or perpetuate falsehoods…

(Agent Fakhoury turns his head.)

Fakhoury: Hept-khet, I did not commit robbery…

Fakhoury: And Neb-abui, I did not commit the act of blasphemy.

(Agent Fakhoury sighs, and turns their head towards Anubis, who nods.)

Anubis: SAEED ABASI FAKHOURY, YOU HAVE CORRECTLY IDENTIFIED THE 42 ASSESSORS OF MA'AT. NOW, WE SHALL WEIGH YOUR HEART AGAINST HER SCALE, SO THAT FINAL JUDGMENT CAN BE MADE.

(Agent Fakhoury starts to say something, but is cut off by Anubis' hand reaching into their chest, and pulling out their still-beating heart and placing it on the free end of the scale.)

Fakhoury: (Mumbles indecipherably, possibly a prayer)

(The scale quivers for a few seconds.)

(It quivers once again.)

(Twice more.)

(The left side goes downward for the briefest of moments, before balancing with the feather. Agent Fakhoury sighs in relief.)

(A humanoid deity with the head of an ibis pulls out a papyrus scroll, and writes something onto it. Agent Fakhoury's heart is picked up, and placed back into his form, by Anubis.)

Anubis: MA'AT HAS DEEMED YOU WORTHY, SAEED ABASI FAKHOURY, OF PASSING ON TO SEKHET-AARU. EAT, DRINK, TEND TO THE FIELDS, AND BE MERRY, FOR YOU HAVE EARNED YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE.

(Agent Fakhoury starts to say something, but is suddenly engulfed in a bright light. All audio and visual feedback is lost at this point.)

It is estimated, by the Department of Tactical Theology, that approximately 24 million people worldwide will experience SCP-8791 in their afterlife.