pinkhatpinkjeans & Crow-Cat
SCP-7755 - A Hole Dug With a Rabbit's Foot
pinkhatpinkjeans:
SCP-7159 - Kensington Gore
SCP-8159 - Backmasked Record
Item #: SCP-8905
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8905 is contained in Site-393’s Low-Risk High-Value Wing.
Closeup of SCP-8905 after it was placed in front of an active jet turbine.
Description: SCP-8905 is a United States postal padlock, currently locked on a painted metal box. The anomaly is highly resistant to attempts to unlock it: traditional lockpicking, physical damage, and anomalous means to bypass have not shown signs of success. The box SCP-8905 is attached to is believed to contain a highly valuable anomalous item.
Discovery: SCP-8905 was found during a raid on a Marshall, Carter, & Dark warehouse, conducted in order to intercept their recent shipments of Duplication Dust and Saintly Sponges. While exploring the backrooms of the warehouse, agents discovered a storage room that had been repurposed into a makeshift office, with SCP-8905 in the center. The room had several whiteboards detailing increasingly elaborate plans to open the box. Numerous tools and assorted objects, some of which anomalous in function, were scattered across the floor.
It is believed the employees of MC&D were already aware of the contents of the box. Consequently, none of the recovered documents explicitly state what is inside. However, a few notes on the boards allude vaguely to its contents; specifically, what potential products could be made using it. Products include: a Sarkic waterpark; a return holiday to the afterlife; and "Rocky Purgatorio Oysters, deep fried testicles of the demiurge".
Testing: Due to the high value of the object locked behind SCP-8905, along with its low priority significance to Foundation missions, testing to breach the box's contents has been put under the supervision of Level 3 researcher Dr. Melvin Lord.
Test #1
Location: Site-393
Test: Use SCP-005.
Result: N/A
Test denied. Due to the high value of SCP-005 and low priority of the SCP-8905 project, cross-testing was not permitted.
Note: It was worth a shot. - Dr. Lord
Test #2
Location: Site-393
Test: An endoscope is inserted into the keyway in order to determine what type of key would be needed to unlock it.
Budget: $61.23 -[Granted by Site Director]
Result: The endoscope was inserted into the keyway. The head of the endoscope immediately exited the other side of the keyway. It was then inserted multiple times in various positions before the test was marked as a failure.
Test #3
Location: Site-393
Test: A large drill is utilized to bore a hole through one of the box's faces, allowing ease of retrieval of its contents.
Budget: $110.09 -[Granted by Site Director]
Result: The interior of the box is completely solid. Despite this, shaking the container caused its internal contents to shift as though it had a hollow interior.
Test #6-19
Location: Site-393
Test: Various anomalous and mundane methods of destroying the lock will be performed.
Budget: $280.00 -[Granted by Site Director]
Result: SCP-8905 is immune to:
- blunt force with sledgehammers;
- cutting from blowtorches, high pressure water, carburized tooling, and lasers;
- hydraulic press;
- acidic decomposition;
- alkaline decomposition;
- rapid pressurisation and depressurisation via vacuum exposure;
- and radioactive decay.
Additionally, AO-7755 was utilized. After hitting SCP-8905, the lock shifted its gravity to the opposite direction in which it was hit, with dust and microparticles emitting from its surface and forming comet tails. A visual anomaly, appearing as a region of outer space, travels through the room in the opposite direction of SCP-8905. As soon as it passes, SCP-8905 ceases abnormal behavior and returns to baseline. Foundation astronomers observed no new comets in the sky.
Test #26
Location: Site-393
Test: MTF Omicron-4 (Pin Tumbler Wizards), composed of Foundation agents highly skilled in mundane and thaumaturgical lockpicking, are instructed to pick SCP-8905. They are granted all resources typically allotted to them during field work.
Budget: $2,169.95 -[Granted by Site Director]
Result: Five members of MTF Omicron-4 began attempting to pick SCP-8905. After two and a half hours of failing to open SCP-8905, the agents paused their work to discuss further options. The decision was made to continue the test without stopping until SCP-8905 was opened. Testing was halted after eighteen hours when all members of MTF Omicron-4 became incapacitated due to exhaustion.
Test #37
Location: Site-393
Test: Agent Smalls is equipped with standard exploration gear and recording equipment fitted for his size, and inserted into SCP-8905’s keyhole.
Budget: $2,532.32 -[Granted upon repeated request to Site Director]
Result: The agent recorded an expansive metal labyrinth, with numerous deadends, trapdoors, and secret paths. After approximately 5 hours, connection with Agent Smalls’ communication device was lost. This radio silence remained for 4 days before the agent exited back through the keyhole, visibly unwashed and with an unkempt beard. Smalls reported being lost for an indeterminate amount of time, being forced to subsist off of hostile dust mites, tardigrades, and “those green bud things.”
Test #63
Location: Site-393
Test: Use an Ontological Linkage System to combine the concept of “unlocked” with the conceptual embodiment of SCP-8905.
Budget: $5,218.75 -[Granted by Regional Director]
Result: The concept of “unlock” bounced off SCP-8905 and embedded itself within another neighbouring concept. As the research team did not initially take note of this, they assumed an error had occurred in the O.L.S. and repeated the action. This resulted in:
- shoes being untied;
- knots in the backs of researchers clearing up;
- guns in the armory emptying their magazines while also containing too much ammunition;
- multiple beaver dams in Scotland collapsing;
- several on-site personnel breaking free of their abusive relationships;
- and molecules in the testing chamber floor disconnecting.
Testing was halted after the O.L.S. sank into the resulting compound slurry.
Test #97
Location: Extrasolar Ambassador Drop Point B, Oklahoma, USA
Test: Contact liaison from Species of Interest-923 for their knowledge on how to deal with an anomaly of this nature. Liaison is contacted through the use of the Intergalactic Einstein-Rosen Communication Relay.
Budget: $10,985.01 -[Partially granted by Overseer Command, partially personal funds]
Result: Liaison teleported into the room, looked at SCP-8905, then proceeded to point and laugh at the research team before leaving.
Test #166
Location: Site-███
Test: Dr. Lord is given access to SCP-738, to ask the entity to open SCP-8905.
Budget: $31.00 -[Personal funds]
Result: Contents of the conversation between Dr. Lord and the entity are transcribed below.
Entity: Hello, doctor! It’s always so lovely when you labcoats come to talk with me directly instead of sending a guinea pig to do your dirty work for you.
Dr. Lord: I’m not wearing a labcoat. Cut the small talk.
Entity: It’s a figure of speech. Of course, in my line of work, the devil is in the details here. Life is a series of gives and takes, of wins and losses. The food chain, capitalism, the little promises and lies we make daily, all of them follow this law. However, when the spring-well of possibilities is infinite, well, is any cost too great? Now, what act of hubris would you like to commit today? Knowledge, power, or… something more personal?
Dr. Lord: I want to open SCP-8905.
Entity: Sorry, I can’t.
[Silence on the recording.]
Dr. Lord: Is- is this a bit?
Entity: No, I genuinely can’t. Sorry.
Dr. Lord: …That’s it? No big flowery speech about how we can’t pay you enough for it. You just can’t?
Entity: I don’t know what to tell you. It’s simply not in my power.
[Dr. Lord sighs and presses the bridge of his nose with his fingers.]
Dr. Lord: Okay, then I want something that can open SCP-8905.
Entity: That will cost the deaths of all specimens of Homo sapiens, including sapiens sapiens, sapiens Sidhe, sapiens tumuli, sapiens decensus, sapiens Daeva, Gigantopithecus sapiens, and sapiens ignotus, except for yourself.
[As the entity speaks, Dr. Lord rubs his eyes before getting up from his chair and begins to exit the room.]
Entity: You know, if you really want a promotion, you could just ask me to get you one.
Dr. Lord continues walking towards the exit, apparently not paying attention to the entity.
Dr. Lord: Of course you should’ve known it wouldn’t work. Of course you should’ve known it would find another way to get one over on you. Of course you should’ve known the fucking lock was more fucking powerful than the fucking Devil from the bible.
Entity: Hello? Earth to the man in the unironed shirt? Are you just going to ignore me?
Dr. Lord: This was the first test we’ve run that cost less than $5000 in months, and all I get is Old Nick telling me “duh, I dunno”!
[Dr. Lord exits the chamber, loudly slamming the door behind him.]
Entity: Well, I might be the prince of lies, but at least I’m polite.
Test #167
Location: Reliquary Area-27
Test: Create a deific entity presiding over the concept of locks and keys, then instruct the being to open SCP-8905.
Budget: $22,777.00 -[Personal funds]
Results: Through the use of applied theodynamic equations, a deific entity with the desired traits was created. The entity identified itself as “the Locksmith”, and took the form of a male humanoid with keys of various sizes and models in place of fingers. The Locksmith complied with testing personnel’s request for it to open SCP-8905. It soon became visibly frustrated by the task’s difficulty, but persisted. Fifteen minutes after beginning its attempt, the Locksmith said “A lock god should be able to pick any lock. Wait-” to itself, before demanifesting in a cloud of black smoke. After the demanifestation, sensors within the testing chamber recorded the ambient Akiva radiation falling to a level of 0.73 for six minutes before returning to typical levels.
The Locksmith could not be located after its demanifestation. Its current location and state of existence are unknown.
On the 13/12/2022, Dr. Lord filed a priority request to the project's Level 4 Supervisor for use of SCP-005 in order to unlock SCP-8905, citing repeated testing failures and rising project costs. After some deliberation, 005 testing was granted, though on the condition of return of the object regardless of testing outcome within a week's time.
As of writing, SCP-005 is undergoing transportation to Site-393. Testing is currently scheduled for 23/12/2022, lead by Dr. Melvin Lord.
Test #168
Location: Site-393
Test: Use SCP-005.
Result: SCP-005 became stuck in SCP-8905.
Dr. Lord has requested research staff not to update Level 4 personnel about the current state of the SCP-8905 project.