Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Xenu's Galactic Genocide.
Item#: 9259
Level2
Containment Class:
pending
Secondary Class:
{$secondary-class}
Disruption Class:
vlam
Risk Class:
warning
Special Containment Procedures: The discovery that actions by the Church of Scientology have been breaching normalcy has led to the formation of MTF Xunu-1. They were founded to perform expeditions into SCP-9259 and attempt to gain information regarding the Church for the goal of deconverting its members.
Information regarding the anomalous aspects of Scientology-affiliated buildings is to be suppressed. No action is to be taken against people attempting the recent trend of "Scientology speedrunning", or any similar action. It has been assessed that attempting to interfere to remove all videos of this trend would further propel innovation of the “sport.” MTF Xunu-1 is to continue research on the anomaly by infiltrating a designated Scientology-affiliated building utilizing the methods of speedrunning to gather information regarding the organization.
Photograph of SCP-9259.
Description: SCP-9259 is a phenomenon regarding every known Scientologist-affiliated building. If an individual enters the building without express permission from members of the Church, the building's layout will shift in an attempt to keep them from entering the central room. These attempts are largely nonviolent on the first activation of SCP-9259. MTF Xunu-1 has noted increased levels of aggression as activations of SCP-9259 continue.
Entering the central room of the building will always lead to the discovery of Scientology advice manuals and handbooks, recruitment materials targeting celebrities, and occasionally, exposes regarding actions of the church. Given the highly secretive nature of Scientology, this has been considered an extremely important resource for furthering Foundation knowledge on the organization. In addition, the central room acts as a place of rest for individuals who have activated SCP-9259. When an individual exits the central room of the building, they will find themselves outside the front of the building. Xunu-1 has noted the ease in performing multiple successive runs with this.
SCP-9259 has been noted to create a more complex layout of the building with every successful entry into the central room, as well as distributing more confidential information in regard to the actions of the Scientologist Church and its members.
Addendum 1: Foundation Discovery
Following a small-scale, largely failed infiltration of GoI-5869, the true anomalous nature of SCP-9259 was discovered via a downloaded video. It seems to depict Rose-Marie Crystal, "guyfondler", a known member of GoI-5869, engaging in the recent online trend of "scientology speedrunning".
This prompted a Foundation-wide scanning of all videos related to the trend, which quickly showed the anomalous nature of the interior. Xunu-1 was established as a Foundation-sanctioned venture into discovering further normalcy crimes. The MTF was established with three members: David Jeffries, Emily Walker, and Najeem McNeil. They were briefed and sent on a preliminary investigation to ensure true anomalous activity.
Following a forced entry into the Los Angeles Scientology building, the existence of SCP-9259 was confirmed. Xunu-1 returned with information regarding the basis of the religion of Scientology, as well as information regarding strategies for getting to the center of the SCP-9259-affected building. Further missions were approved.
Addendum 2: List of SCP-9259 Infiltration Attempts
Below is a truncated list of SCP-9259-related discoveries. A full list will be provided upon request.
Run #: 4
Discovery: As the team was blocked by several Scientologists from progressing further in the hallway, Commander McNeil attempted to dive through a gap between the crowd and the leftmost wall. However, the gap closed in, and he was pushed through the wall. This resulted in him entering the adjacent hallway, knocking an unsuspecting Scientologist unconscious. The team followed suit, and gained significant progress through utilizing this collision method.
Run #: 7
Discovery: First duplicate room recorded. Noticeably, when Emily Walker opened a closet, a pile of duplicated Scientologists poured out and landed on the group. They then dragged themselves out of the pile, and only suffered minor injuries.
Run #: 10
Discovery: First recorded instance of the central room being reached. Recorded footage is being analyzed to create an accurate internal map of the building.
Run #: 18
Discovery: Following a puzzle blocking entry into the central room being completed, Emily Walker received a scorpion embedded in a lollipop. A small note attached to it read "Justice for Patty Roland". This item is stored under evidence for SCP-9259 and available for study.
Run #: 24
Discovery: Utilizing known collision methods to enter areas that are normally inaccessible, the team had unexpectedly found that they could enter a void-like space where they could see the majority of rooms and hallways in the entire layout of the building.
Run #: 36
Discovery: Team attempts to enter the central room using the above method. They are immediately sent back to the front entrance of the building.
Run #: 54
Discovery: Fifth recorded instance of the central room being reached. The team discovers that they cannot leave unless they play a game of trivia, with the topic being confidential materials classified as Operating Thetan Level 3 that they discovered in previous runs. David Jeffries is able to answer all questions with perfect accuracy, correctly guessing the religious figure known as Xenu, an extraterrestrial leader of a galactic confederacy who transported billions of beings to Earth, placed them around volcanoes, and killed them with hydrogen bombs. He was also able to identify the disembodied spirits of the victims, known as thetans, that are said to have attached to surviving bodies and became “body thetans," allowing the team to return to outside the front entrance of the building.
Run#: 68
Discovery: Fastest recorded runtime occurred at 14 minutes, 35 seconds. Once the team had been translocated outside to the front entrance of the building, it was found that the doorknob had been removed from the front door, and that the other entrances were inaccessible regardless of the amount of force used. 24 hours had passed until they could continue their speedruns.
Addendum 3: SCP-9259 Run Log
The following is a transcript of a conversation had between Xunu-1 personnel during the 11th SCP-9259 run.
<Begin Log>
Xunu-1 enters, with Commander Najeem McNeil and David Jeffries in front, and Emily Walker close behind.
N. McNeil: Guys, come on, come on! Slowpokes!
E. Walker: We just started. Chriiist.
Xunu-1 takes a left and is met by a gate blocking their advance. A sign to the side reads: "What was LRH's book on reincarnation?"
D. Jeffries: What—
E. Walker: "Have You Lived Before This Life?" We literally just read about this in the last info-drop, Jeffries. Maybe learn how to.
The gate unlocks, and a pit approximately two by two meters opens on the other side. There is no discernable floor. Xunu-1 walks around the pit, as it did not fill the entirety of the hallway.
N. McNeil: Whoever designed that should be fired.
E. Walker: You're corny.
D. Jeffries: We're gonna have you demoted for that one, boy.
Xunu-1 continues, taking a right and finding a locked door.
N. McNeil: Usually the entrance is about here.
E. Walker: They literally locked us out.
N. McNeil: You bastards! (He shakes his fist in the air.)
D. Jeffries: I hate you.
Xunu-1 continues, jogging down the hallway and searching for a way into the central room. They take about five minutes, with no oddities.
D. Jeffries: Wow, this is—
Jeffries is interrupted by a Scientologist jumping out from a room, blocking the way. He pushes him out of the way and keeps running.
Unidentified Scientologist: Hey! HEY!
D. Jeffries: Boring.
E. Walker: For a strongman like you.
N. McNeil: It's pretty boring.
E. Walker: Yeah. I kind of miss the action.
All three enter into a mid-sized room and begin to slow down. On the other side of the room are approximately 10 Scientology members standing side to side, glaring at Xunu-1. Behind them is an open view into a new hallway.
E. Walker: Can I retract my prior statement?
One of the Scientology members in the middle of the group, identified as Espace Beleren, walks forward. She puts her hands on her hips and frowns.
E. Beleren: Like we've been telling you, get out. Before we call the cops.
N. McNeil: Been saying that for a while. Surely you would've called them by now.
E. Beleren: The exit's right there.
She points to a nearby wall. A red door with a glowing exit sign sits near the corner.
E. Beleren: I suggest you leave. Before anything happens.
N. McNeil: I'm afraid we can't do that.
McNeil points at the hallway behind Beleren. A white door sits at the end of the hallway.
N. McNeil: What's behind there?
E. Beleren: Unimportant. Leave.
D. Jeffries: Is it a secret room with secret knowledge like last time?
E. Beleren: Leave, now.
E. Walker: You repeat yourself a lot, you know that?
D. Jeffries: Yeah! Whether you like it or not, we're getting through that door. Mess with the horns, and you get the— Wait—
N. McNeil: Can it.
The three members of Xunu-1 all prepare to run towards the door. The Scientology members take defensive stances.
The two groups reach each other. Due to their superior training, Xunu-1 is able to easily break through their defensive line, but not before one Scientology member has a punch connect with McNeil's face.
Xunu-1 rushes to the end of the hallway with the Scientology members close behind. One by one, the three members make it through the door. Once the final Xunu-1 member enters, all Scientology members stop running and stare at the task force. McNeil closes the door.
E. Walker: Well. That was creepy.
N. McNeil: You're telling me. (McNeil rubs the impacted part of his face.)
Jeffires walks over to a table and picks up a pamphlet.
D. Jeffries: "Scientology: The Fundamentals of Thought". You think this'll be a better read than the last one?
Jeffires grabs several other pamphlets and places them in his bag.
N. McNeil: Right. Let's get out of here and prepare for the next run.
McNeil starts walking towards an exit door and gestures for the team to follow him. As soon as he steps through the door, he vanishes. The remaining members of Xunu-1 follow suit.
E. Walker: Commander McNeil! We did it!
Walker and McNeil high-five.
D. Jeffries: So, you think it'll change again?
N. McNeil: I gotta assume.
E. Walker: Yeah, it kinda feels like they don't want us to learn the layout.
N. McNeil: We really gotta figure out how to improve our times. You guys hungry?
D. Jeffries: Yeah. You're paying, right?
N. McNeil: Make sure you keep the receipts so I can get my money back from the Foundation.
<End Log>
After-Action Report: Efforts are underway to finish a full list of room and trap archetypes manifested by SCP-9259 events. The full list can be accessed by request.
Addendum 4: Incident Log
The following is a transcription of the events of Incident-9259.
NOTICE: Incident begins after Xunu-1's successful entry into SCP-9259's central room. Commander Najeem McNeil, Agent David Jeffries, and Agent Emily Walker were all present for the Incident.
Commander N. McNeil, D. Jeffries, and E. Walker all enter the central room in quick succession. Commander McNeil and E. Walker approach a table where multiple pamphlets containing information regarding illicit actions in the anomalous sphere by the Church of Scientology sit.
D. Jeffries: They almost got me that time.
N. McNeil: Yeah, I saw you have to duck under that guy. Did he try to grab you?
D. Jeffries: Fuck yeah he did. Didn't work, though. I'm too badass for that.
E. Walker: Are you just gonna keep sucking your own dick, then, or are we gonna go?
N. McNeil: He's allowed to suck himself off after a run like that, Em. You're just jealous of how flexible he is.
E. Walker: I just don't like it here, arright? It's fucking weird. It's way too corporate and wanna-be sci-fi for my liking.
N. McNeil: Yeah, expect anything more from a sci-fi author who started a psycho cult?
D. Jeffries: It's not that bad. It's got a nice aesthetic sheen to it, but they do some bad shit here.
N. McNeil: That's why we're here! We're here to do stuff about that.
Commander McNeil grabs the pamphlets from the table and takes a glance to the covers.
N. McNeil: Well, Em was right. It's probably time to go back to base and check out this new information, then we can try another run—
A loud, high-pitched whirr can be heard in the recording. A bright light accompanies it. The footage shows a figure resembling actor Tom Cruise appearing. The figure has been classified SCP-9259-LRH.
SCP-9259-LRH: Hello. I take it that you're the Foundation folk?
All members of Xunu-1 pause, look to each other, then attempt to exit the central room of SCP-9259. The door acts as if it is locked, despite having no mechanism to lock.
SCP-9259-LRH: And here I had thought that these attempts to find more about my organization had been in the search for knowledge regarding post-Eight Operating Thetan levels. No, no, I feel it from all of you now. None of you have even attained Clear. I had so very much wished that the Foundation would have brought you all proper into the fold, so that I could have aided you in ascent to proper truth and the likes.
D. Jeffries: What the fuck are you on about?
SCP-9259-LRH: I see. Have you just been doing this without any knowledge of my organization? That uninformed, are you?
E. Walker: Cruise. Let us out of here. Our location is known to Foundation personnel and our hidden cameras are broadcasting. Higher-ups can send people to either raid here, or your home, and we'll fucking circumsize you—
SCP-9259-LRH: Does the mask that I have put on to sate your mind confuse you that much?
SCP-9259-LRH produces a burst of light, and in a moment is transformed into the countenance of Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.
SCP-9259-LRH: From beyond my vessel, I have attained levels of Operating Thetan status beyond what was even believed possible by myself and my followers. This church today stands as a monument to the inner peace and purity of self that I have attained, harmony with the eight dynamics of life. I have stripped all of my past lives and personas from—
D. Jeffries attempts to kick down the door, aided by Commander McNeil, and SCP-9259-LRH lets out a sound resembling a wail.
SCP-9259-LRH: Fine! Should you not wish to see the power I have achieved from Operating Thetan level X as a sign to cease your wicked mission, then you have been properly declared fair game.
SCP-9259-LRH snaps, disappearing with the sound. The doors open not to the exterior of the building, but to the center. A red neon sign, with no direction indicator, reads ESCAPE. Figures that resemble publicly Scientologist celebrities begin to enter the room en masse. All members of Xunu-1 begin sprinting forward through the halls.
N. McNeil: Fucking go!
Xunu-1 is stopped by a large gate inside of the building with a sign that reads: "Define R2-45."
D. Jeffries: Getting your fucking head blown off by a gun! Let us through!
The gate lets out a small ding and begins to open very slowly. D. Jeffries and E. Walker force it open. Commander McNeil kicks a member of the Church backwards, slowing their pursuit as they continue.
The members of Xunu-1, following Commander McNeil, slam into a push door labeled "stairs" and begin to descend down the staircase.
Xunu-1 slam through a door and exit into the first floor of the building. They are in a larger room, leading to a narrow, long hall with a visible exit.
D. Jeffries: The door is there! Go!
E. Walker: We see it!
Jeffries can be seen glancing back at the staircase door and attempting to hold it shut.
N. McNeil: Jeffries, get the fuck over here you idiot!
D. Jeffries: They're gonna stampede us! Jesus Christ— Go! I'll catch up!
Commander McNeil and E. Walker glance to each other, before Walker grabs McNeil and rushes for the exit hallway. Recovered portions of D. Jeffries' footage shows that after a few moments of holding the door shut, he began running after McNeil and Walker.
As the members of Xunu-1 approach the exit, the hallway begins to manifest doors, which open to reveal more identifiable members of the Church of Scientology. Commander McNeil and Emily Walker exit the building, and David Jeffries is seen being assaulted and restrained before the remainder of his footage is lost.
After-Action Report: All runs of SCP-9259 have been suspended for crew health. Commander Najeem McNeil and Emily Walker have been administered a week paid leave as well as psychological and anomalous screenings to ensure the development of any potentially harmful traits is halted.
Addendum 5: Debrief
The following is an interview between Commander McNeil, Emily Walker and their designated interviewer, Danielle McNeil, regarding the events detailed in Addendums 1-4, and the current status of the members of Scientology.
<Begin Log>
Commander McNeil is sitting across from the door facing him, and he stares at it expectantly, his expression stern and solemn. The door opens to reveal his interviewer, who takes the seat across from him, carrying a stack of papers.
D. McNeil: Good afternoon, Commander.
N. McNeil: Hey, sis.
He smirks for a brief moment.
N. McNeil: How’s your retirement from the field going?
D. McNeil: It’s about as tedious and filled with paperwork as you’d expect. Better than getting shot at or mauled by another escaped SCP, though.
E. Walker: Are you just not gonna acknowledge me? Does it run in the family to just ignore people in the room?
D. McNeil: Oh. Sorry. Me and Najeem were doing a small—
N. McNeil: A little family banter.
E. Walker: Okay well. I'm right here. I— Whatever. Why are we here again?
D. McNeil: Well, following the preliminary interview after your incident, O5 decided it was a good idea to check back up on you guys.
N. McNeil: Yeah, well, we've been fine. Hanging out together. Trying to think about where they would've taken Jeffries.
D. McNeil: About that—
E. Walker: Yeah, about that, we got some serio— Oh, sorry, I realized you were t—
D. McNeil: It's fine. What's up with your intel?
E. Walker: We do have reports of him in Clearwater. A recently flipped ex-member told us that they definitely saw him.
D. McNeil: Concerning. Who told you that?
Walker and Commander McNeil spare a glance, then smile at Danielle McNeil.
D. McNeil: … Were you working this while you were mandated to be resting?
E. Walker: No comment.
N. McNeil: Do we get a lawyer?
D. McNeil: You two are pains in my asses, you know that? I gotta end up calculating your back-pay. Your overtime for doing that. You couldn't have waited until we stopped recording to admit this?
N. McNeil: That would be lying now, Sister.
D. McNeil: You weren't running, right?
E. Walker: Guilty.
Walker and Commander McNeil fist-bump.
D. McNeil: You shouldn't be doing that without Foundation approval.
N. McNeil: Rules are bullshit, sometimes. Besides, if you'd let me finish, the game has changed.
D. McNeil: Changed?
N. McNeil: Yeah, it'll be normal until we get to the middle. Then, we'll see that damned wacko again. Hubbard. He'll spew off some bullshit about how he's totally gonna force Jeffries into a billion-year contract to work for him or whatever, then…
Commander McNeil sighs.
N. McNeil: I don't even fucking know. We had to beat the shit out of John Travolta, and then Hubbard's voice said something about "oh, hohoho, you have not beat all of those who have been knighted into my organization to serve at my whim and granted such Operating Thetan power—"
D. McNeil: … Did he really say Ho Ho Ho?
E. Walker: Yeah. It's kind of insane that he didn't realize he sounded like Santa Claus.
N. McNeil: Besides the point, really. He rambled some shit, told us we had to beat other people up, and then we finally got to nab the info for this. It was high level shit, like how Hubbard was an actual criminal and called himself the Antichrist or something, and some stuff about more of Scientology's anomalous crimes. Honestly, reading what he wrote, he's kind of a damn hack.
D. McNeil: Yeah.
E. Walker: It reads like something I'd read on Parawatch or something. It's insanely hard to not laugh at this shit. He called shooting someone in the head some fancy sci-fi word and told his followers it was "currently frowned upon by society"! It's like cartoonishly evil shit.
Commander McNeil frowns.
E. Walker: You good, Naj?
N. McNeil: I dunno. Before we left, I guess I just like— I heard his voice again, you know? He told me something before he left.
D. McNeil: What was it?
Commander McNeil stares off into space for a moment.
N. McNeil: Your Jeffries is in another church.
<End Log>
SCP-9259 is now pending a reclassification to Keter via approval from the Classification Committee. The Church of Scientology is pending Group of Interest status. MTF Xunu-1 is operating to recover David Jeffries, who has been reported in multiple Scientologist churches and facilities in the Continental United States.