Some people just want to go home for Christmas.
xexnoncores & newfangler
This work contains CWs for: extremely abusive language, implicit misogyny, xenophobia, references to racism and workplace/spousal abuse.
SCP-8525 : Santa Baby by xexnoncores and newfangler
NOTICE FROM THE FOUNDATION RECORDS AND INFORMATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION
The following file, as of today’s date 11:52PM CST, 12/25/2024, is considered incomplete and in violation of rules 23.2a and rule 47.1c of the Official Foundation Documentation Guidelines, along with various other professional conduct rules as outlined in the Director’s Handbook. Director Ochako Nakamura has been reprimanded for the accidental dissemination of this and the inappropriate behavior displayed within it; she will be demoted swiftly at the next O5 council meeting.
If you are viewing this, understand that its current position on Foundation servers is not an accident, as it is currently being preserved by RAISA software for use as a teaching tool regarding professional documentation practices. As a result, this file cannot be deleted until that process is complete; tampering with any material present here will result in severe disciplinary action.
Marking Key:
- Inappropriately personal thoughts will be highlighted in red.
- Improper formatting will be highlighted in orange.
- Unverified and/or inaccurate information will be highlighted in yellow.
- All footnotes within this document are strictly RAISA sourced. For clarity, the originals have been removed unless they are in violation of one of the above.
- Other external commentary not confined to footnotes will be in a blue box.
Thank you for understanding, and we’re sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused. Rest assured, this will not remain up for much longer.
In the meantime, I hope you all have a happy holiday—make sure to keep yourselves away from Foundation equipment should you happen to become inebriated.
— Maria Jones, Director, RAISA
Said the people to the prophet: “Shall not black hills draw round in some forsaken land, to make a vale-wide cauldron wherein the molten rock shall seethe and roar, and where the crags of mountains shall be hurled upward to the surface and bubble and go down again, that there our enemies may boil forever?”
And the prophet answered: “It is writ large about the bases of Pegāna’s mountains, upon which sit the gods: ‘Thine Enemies Are Forgiven.’”
The Gods of Pegāna, Lord Dunsany
Director Jones commentary—The above is also one of Director Nakamura’s favorite books. Please remember the Foundation does not pay you to talk about your interests.
Object Class: Keter
SPECIAL CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES
Blah blah something about public not knowing about it, dissuading belief in Santa Claus blah blah cultural dissemination of the notion he’s a hoax by foundation embeds in the us government, paying off the UIU to stop investigating this because one of their agents has a secret Santa fetish they think they can hide from us
DESCRIPTION
SCP-8525 is the collective designation given to several anomalous projects overseen by GoI-012 ("Marshall, Carter & Dark Ltd."), with the goal of extracting material resources from PoI-025 ("Santa Claus"), along with all projects undertaken by him and his associates through coercion or force.
SCP-8525 has had various incarnations throughout GoI-012's existence; the first known project of this kind emerging circa 1915 under the name GOLDHARK, which was helmed by Sir Godwin Theseus Carter—traditionally, operations against PoI-025 are formulated and carried out by the dumbest idiot British guy they have at that stupid company with some exceptions. like how one of the stupid marshalls got into a fistfight with one of our undercovers in 04 because they genuinely didn’t believe in santa claus. also all of the damage caused in the skirmish got written off as a tax break????? how the fuck do they always get away with that cockshit i need to go ask dunn about this again
Since 2015, SCP-8525 is showing an unusual rate of success. Intel from various sting operations indicate GoI-012 has hindered 45% of production and performance capabilities of PoI-025, significantly hampering the global outreach previously maintained by him and his associates.
Projects under the SCP-8525 designation are currently known to include:
- BLACKDOG: >+%aaaa~~~~~~~~~ Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuahsjzbsisnzhsnzkshsjzhsjznjszhjshzjshzjsjzjwusjsjiwuznxhehdbsbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbid est laborum e a ><><><><><>___lap I wantskskskskm want AHHHHHHHHHHHjaaawwa-92722 This subsidiary has no known name, though it is consistently identifiable by the "sound of sleighbells", "the smell of chestnuts roasting on an open fire", and "the laughter of gingerbread men".
- MANCHILD: This is what I called my husband once when he wouldn’t clean up the fucking dog shit that sprayed all over the floor at Thanksgiving. You left three sticks of butter out, Daryl, it is not my fault the dog’s insides liquified and that diarrhea got blasted all over the floor that I then slipped in!!!!!
- SNOWSLED: Using thaumo-memetic manipulation tactics, hundreds of artificially created changelings have been seeded throughout the history of SCP-8525 with the goal of collecting gifts from PoI-025 worth >15,000USD. Once Christmas occurs and PoI-025 delivers gifts to these artificial individuals, the families they belong to are retroactively terminated, and the gifts collected by GoI-012 agents.
- BLOODWORK: BLOODWORK is the collective designation for all GoI-012 militia-backed action against PoI-025.
As SCP-8525 poses an unacceptable risk to the stability of the Veil of Normalcy , the Foundation has ceased its own hostilities towards PoI-025 in order to bring an end to the conflict.
+++++ ADDENDUM — CONFLICT OVERVIEW
Operational Personnel: Special Agent Nora Fang (Internal Affairs), Dr. Janelle Wisnosky(Decommissioning), Henrietta Hopper, Esq. (Procurement and Liquidation), Site-49 Director Andrea Hussie
External Associates: PoI-025 (hereafter referred to as "Mr. Claus" or "Santa Claus") employees of the Claus workshop
_Director Jones commentary—_it seems like below Director Nakamura accidentally condensed several entire sections into a single footnote. Please remember to keep track of your footnote tags when you are writing documents. It also seems like much of the information within said footnote is mislabeled (this includes parts of SCP-8525, along with PoI designations), to the point where it confuses me what happened and what didn’t. It is to remain unannotated outside of pointing out the formatting errors until I can get with Roger Dunn about SCP-8525 intel.
+++++ ADDENDUM — ESCALATION AND CEASFIRE
something about a massive epic war about capitalists versus Santa Claus I don’t know man I’m being asked to transcribe audio files on Christmas manlike whate even are some of these? Oh my god is Santa dead? Did this Percivalvampirecapitalist fucking eat him? I hate whoever this Iris is called so much she sounds like she needs a sock shoved down her throat so badly. She needs so much punched out of her and shoved up her tiny white british asshole I bet it smells like the horses dumb British people fuck . my ex always got mad when I said that and that noooo the actual stereotype is that the welsh are sheep-shaggers but who cares I got the things wrong okay man its youe fault your queen colonized the rest of the world. your peepeople cared more aboiyt horses than the peoplel so wouldn’t they ? Why wouldn’t they? ashamed of it white man? ashamed of me ? ashamed of me the same way your mom was? your sister? your fucking grandmother? your racist yaukiam ape grandmother? fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
Man. I hate this so muchwhoput me in charge of this I wanna go home I don’t wanna listen to these violent tapes the blood is making me vomit vomitboisinksjskjsjvoemoywt
someone just killed someone else in this with a stocking full of coal
HIGH ALERT! URGENT UPDATE: CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES FINALIZED. LOADING NEW DOCUMENT…
Postscript Interview: Director Sal of the Fire Supression Department can kiss my tight little cunt honestly. You want to keep me working here? You want me to not kill myself with a shoelace and a rubber ducky? Because I’m so fucking good at my job? Shove a rod up your ass. Piss yourself, shit yourself, and then eat it all, coming back to me after I know you’ve fucked some secretary in it. You snake. You pig. You goddamn whore waste of space. I should have leaked those dick pics you saved on that USB. Your goddamn micropenis, what fucking thing we got in here that did that to you, huh? Huh? Is that why you lead the FSD now? Did they get you with that too? If they did, I hate you. I hate what you did to my dog. I almost got RABIES. It almost gave me RABIES at my daughter’s Fortnite Friday party!!!!!! Fuck you fuck fuckyfkcu jdjjhksjsjn EAT YOUR OWN PEN CHOKE ON IT SUCK ON IT LIKE THE ABORTION YOU ARE
Director Jones commentary—The above text is missing its visibility, somehow. I’m not sure how that happened, especially because it is still able to be copy-pasted.
I’m unsure of whether or not to recommend the necessary discipline for the contents as would normally be enacted. Public discussion of Fire Suppression Department activities is normally grounds for severe demotion, but Director Nakamura’s behavior throughout this document has lead me to wonder if this was an intentional act on her behalf to relieve herself of her current position. If so, it would show she is clever enough to remain at the Foundation, so it may be more beneficial to put her on a heavy dose of amnestics than demote her.
The altercation ended with with one of these guys donating like literally the cost a burger king combo because elves are fucking stupid. my lifelong dream of fucking a hot white chocolate Legolas dnd elf is out the window now, APPARENTLY, because they’re all fucking toy makers and two feet tall. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
if they didn’t actually kill santa i hope he kills my ex-husband for Christmas. and if they did i hope they terminate me on this stupid job instead. I hope we all fucking die, merry fucking kill yourself