SCP-9171 - Once in a Lifetime

"You may ask yourself 'how do I work this?' and honestly we're still figuring it out. We'll get back to you. Regards, Nobody In Surrealistics!"

by Mr Panik

≡

"Time isn't holding us…"

Item Number: SCP-9171

Object Class: Apollyon (Not anymore!)

Special Containment Procedures: Mass disinformation campaigns are to be deployed and MTF Pi-42 (The Upside Downs) is to cordon the area within 100kms of SCP-9171. The French government, the EU, and other global superpowers are to cooperate with all Foundation efforts to prevent a Broken Masquerade scenario. Direct contact of any form with SCP-9171-A is prohibited. All testing on SCP-9171-B is henceforth prohibited.

SCP-9171-B instances are to be detained, deprogrammed and amnesticized, but are clear for release after treatment is received. The Surrealistics Department has been contacted to investigate the actions of SCP-9171-B as potential ontological hazards.

(It may seem difficult now, but you're going to need to trust us. The Surrealistics Department is happy to serve!)

Description: SCP-9171 is a 2km wide geyser located on continental Europe that erupted outside Paris, France, on 1 March 2026. SCP-9171 is connected to the Atlantic Ocean via an unknown number of underground tributary channels that act similarly in principle to a root system, which feed a reservoir chamber within the earth's crust wherein pressure builds until eventual eruption. The column of water projected from SCP-9171 is capable of reaching the highest section of the troposphere, where the water is instantly aerosolised, which drove initial concerns for public health and anomalous infection. MTFs supported by research staff were deployed, and the O5 Council declared a state of emergency across all Foundation sites.

SCP-9171-A is all water expelled from SCP-9171. Consumption of, or exposure to, SCP-9171-A produces level 9 cognitohazardous effects within human subjects. Once infected with SCP-9171-A, a person is hence classified as SCP-9171-B.

SCP-9171-B presents with extreme languor, resulting in lowered efficacy within society and professional environments, higher levels of depression, daydreaming, and general passiveness to their own detriment. SCP-9171-B is sensitive to amnestic treatment, and can be reintroduced into society with minimal effort once treatment is complete. Regardless, SCP-9171 presents significant threat to the Veil due to systemic failure of production lines as a result of lowered productivity.

(No, this is wrong. SCP-9171 is fine. Don’t worry. It’s under control. The bit about amnestics is true, but we're still figuring out which ones. It'll take a few Thursdays.)

Discovery: On 1 March 2026 residents of Paris, France, and surrounding areas reported minor tremors in the earth. Seismographic information indicated no sign of tectonic stress. At 11:00, a column of water erupted 10kms from the city ejecting debris into the low atmosphere. Surrounding areas were drenched, and the initial eruption lasted for 20 hours. Notably, no land was flooded or suffered long term damage. No injuries occurred during the ejecta's return journey or during the initial deluge, with residents reporting the water to be "quite pleasant". An unknown number of civilians were able to safely approach SCP-9171 before MTFs were able to intervene. Webcrawlers and generative AI disinformation campaigns have been deployed to assist with containment measures.

Initially, SCP-9171 infection was limited to personnel present on site at the anomaly. However, within days, multiple instances of staff engaging in compulsive unproductivity due to distraction, languor, or disinterest with no discernible cause were quickly noted by senior staff within the local French population as well as within the Foundation itself.

Dr. Tara Flowers of the Surrealistics Department was dispatched to Site-19 at the behest of the O5 Council to investigate the potential for widespread SCP-9171 contamination after a growing number of symptomatic SCP-9171-B instances were identified amongst Site-19 staff .

(I was!)

Addendum 9171.isn'tthatnice?

I’m so pretty.

Oh! This is new.

That’s a surprise. You’ve been here a lot!

Am I?

Ugh.

You’re here?

Where else would I be?

I don’t know… just… considering the circumstances, you know?

Eh. I know how this ends. May as well come along for it.

If you're sure. I suppose we should go meet our benevelont overlords. I'm a little excited, actually.

Yeah, yeah. They’re already waiting for you.

Let’s goooooo!

Briefing Log 9171.A
Date: 9 March 2026
Location: Site 19

BEGIN LOG

Dr. Flowers enters the boardroom. She wears a 50s styled, bright yellow sundress. She wears headphones, which fit neatly over her curls. She smiles persistently. The joint O5 Council and Ethics Committee observe her, perplexed. She smiles placidly at them and takes a seat at the table where jugs and glasses of water are set out for those present. Just not for her.

O5-1: Right, you’re here. Let’s begin.

Flowers: As the gumballs chews itself, then. She sits, places her large handbag next to her and retrieves a water bottle and a glass from inside it which she then pours for herself.

O5-1: Uh, okay then… Let’s begin. The Foundation and the world face a grave threat. Production lines are collapsing, and humanity is standing still right now.

O5-4: World governments in chaos. People just hanging around loitering.

Flowers: And why am I here?

O5-4: We have determined that this anomaly can only be an ontological threat. Memetic treatment shows no effect on SCP-9171-B instances. Therefore, we believe their state of being, their ontology, has been affected.

Flowers: Ontology is very fickle yes. One sneeze and you’re someone else. But the someones have been someone for a while now.

O5-2: Dr. Flowers—

Flowers: Miss Flowers, please. I am not my degree. Her smile does not waver.

O5-2: … okay then. Miss Flowers, this anomaly is spreading fast and we are working overtime to contain it, but this needs to be correctly identified before production levels drop to catastrophic rates. Site-19 is now directly affected. We need this identified, and quickly.

E6: H.R. is receiving hundreds of P.T.O requests and Fire Suppression has been on overtime for a week.

E9: And then they also filed for P.T.O…

E6 glares at E9, but says nothing further.

O5-4: clears his throat Back to the point. We don’t have time for the kooks at Surrealistics to fuck around with this. You will begin investigations immediately.

O5-1: I agree. All your other projects are henceforth placed on hold until you have identified and analysed SCP-9171’s affects and point of ingress into Site-19. Do you understand?

Flowers: Sure. Why not. Sounds fun.

O5-1: I beg your pardon?

Flowers: No, sorry I’m using it. Is that all? Can I get to work?

The collected members of the Joint Council exchange glances, a few of them whisper. Miss Flowers once again disappears into her handbag and produces a pill bottle which she opens. She empties the contents into hand, pops the pile into her mouth and drinks half her glass of water to wash it down.

O5-7: I don’t think we have much choice now.

END LOG

Addendum 9171.youaremymoonshine

Everyone here is so pushy today.

People get stressed out…

Yeah, that’s why you’re here, isn't it? Because the world is doing so well.

I mean… people don't always think… We can move past it, can’t we?

Do you want to?

Do you?

Let's just focus. Where do we start?

I like to start where others stopped trying.

You don't trust that they did it right.

Not exactly.

Sometimes a different perspective helps!

Exactly.

Investigation Log – 9171.B
Date: Still the 9th of March, but later.
Location: Break Room

BEGIN LOG

Miss Flowers walks through the halls of Site-19, her eyes an emblem in the dark of unknowing as the world breaks and whirls around her and the water flows. She enters the nearest break room where several staff are loitering around. Multiple at the water cooler.

Spencer: Now that I got the promotion I wanna upgrade, you know? I think I deserve it.

Thompson: You wanna splurge. Be honest.

Spencer: Nah, a large automobile? Spencer crushes his empty cup and tosses it in the bin. That’s just… that’s a necessity for a man, you know?

Thompson: I mean, it’s really not, and I’m pretty sure that’s not a healthy view.

Spencer: Oh, yeah, my girlfriend tells me I’m “still deconstructing” whatever that means. And honestly, can’t carry water without a large automobile.

Thompson: He stares into his cup. You don’t want a large automobile. It doesn’t stop her from cheating on you.

Spencer: You have a large automobile?

Thompson: Yeah, it’s over there. He points.

Standing at the end of the break room is, in fact, a large automobile. Miss Flowers can’t deny, it is quite large. The space balloons around it to accommodate it. Everyone in the room claps politely and then returns to their conversation.

Spencer: Holy shit that’s cool. He rushes over to it, whistling as he approaches. This might be the coolest thing I’ve seen all wee- wait… the Owl Challenge on TikTok was pretty cool, but this? Hell, yeah.

Thompson: If only she was as impressed.

Thompson’s Wife: If you had treated me like I was in the room at any point in the past three years this would not be happening.

Spencer: So, what’s your plan?

Thompson: Fills his cup. Divorce.

Spencer: I meant with your large automobile. Doesn’t sound like you even like it.

Thompson: What are you saying? Because I’m not… hmmm… I mean, it’s not going to fix anything, but if you wanna take her for a drive, we can.

Spencer: He grins widely, his smile warping across his face. It absolutely will fix everything.

Thompson tosses him the keys.

Flowers: Have fun.

The two enter the large automobile, and it roars to life. Spencer hits the gas, and the walls peel open to let them out. Miss Flowers thought the large automobile was fun, but a little over the top, to be honest.

END LOG

Researcher's Note: The typical view of "water cooler chats" between colleagues suggests they largely focus on office gossip, networking, or time wasting. Since the discovery of SCP-9171, water coolers across all Foundation sites have seen a marked uptick in sincerity, friendliness and other forms of light merrymaking suggesting widespread SCP-9171 infection at all levels of the organisation. The O5 Council has instructed janitorial staff to remove all water coolers found within the Foundation.

Addendum 9171.holdingdown

They really are trying.

They sit with their feet in the lagoon all day.

It’s not all day. The tests were done.

And they were very neat.

And not at all useful.

That's not true. At least we know what it's not.

Report 9171.42-motherlode
Scope: Determine anomalous properties of SCP-9171-A, as well as the symptomatic progression of SCP-9171 infection. Protective equipment is to be worn at all times when interacting with SCP-9171. Failure to comply will result in Tuesday.

Method

Result

Notes

It's water.

No, really!

H2O is good for you.

The water cycle usually does okay on its own, but who doesn't need a little help now and then.

AGUA!

Row, row, row your boat…

The largest waterfall in the world is under water.

Do you think fish understand that they're in water?

Again, it's water.

The Sally Seashell business is booming!

Source of life. Font of Peace.

I could go for a nice chilled glass of strawberry water, honestly.

No, seriously…

Okay, but why are we blessing the rain in Africa specifically?

It's just water.

Researcher Notes: It'd be pretty uninteresting if it weren't so big, but it's nice to look at. If you time it right you can have lunch while it shoots up an hour long pillar of water. Pretty cool! We ran some tests on the water, and the results are pretty refreshing considering the anomalies we normally deal with.

During investigations at the site of SCP-9171, multiple staff reported feelings of whimsy, languor, and general sloth. Psychotherapeutic assessments concluded that they're fiiine and you worry too much. No affected staff show any immediate decline in general health, but all report a marked improvement in their mental faculties. Dr. Barnes, lead researcher on site in Paris for SCP-9171, filed multiple complaints against his subordinates for repeated tardiness and slow turnarounds on testing. These complaints demanded the object be assessed as a potential ontological weapon designed to stagnate Foundation research by a hostile Group of Interest. The O5 Council has approved this course of action, but really everything's pretty okay. No, really!

Investigation Log 9171.fertilizer
Date: Marching Upwards
Location: Mobile Task Force Armouries.

BEGIN LOG

Miss Flowers is surrounded by the petals of possibility in the eternal coil. The Armoury calls to her. The MTF members on site sit relaxing in chairs, some fill out forms for P.T.O.

Paulson: So I’m out there, and this is a clearly a sark — a rookie, maybe just bad at it. She's so weak she can’t even hold her form together properly. Her one arm keeps sprouting a tentacle. And so I’ve got my piece levelled at her, and she just starts meowing at me.

Yamato: Yeah, they do that. You're just gonna hesitate if you listen to that shit. You gotta gun them down before they start.

No, you don't.

Paulson: I dunno. I felt kinda bad for her. Don’t tell anyone that, obviously. Just… gunning her down didn’t feel right.

Yamato: They always look for sympathy. Ignore it. He chugs from his water bottle. It winces in his grasp, it's contents fuelling red spikes. Miss Flowers feels sorry for it.

Paulson: Yeah, maybe I just need time off. Got some coming up. Two weeks in the Tetons! I cannot wait.

Yamato: Yeah, well, some of us have bills to pay. Thanks for the overtime, by the way.

Paulson: You're welcome. And also, some of us know how to use their P.T.O. You should try it.

Yamato: The air burns with spikes from his mouth as he speaks. Neither react. There’s evil knocking on the door all the time and you wanna see the Tetons. Don’t talk to me about P.T.O. I’ve got a family to protect.

Paulson: What makes you think any anomaly is after your family?

Yamato: You know what we deal with every day. We die in the dark —

Paulson: So others can live in the light, yeah, yeah. That doesn't mean you have to give up having a life at all for it.

A glass of water walks over to them, and Paulson lifts it, drinking deeply.

Yamato: His words are static as they swirl between the men. Neither react. I'll have a life once I know my daughters are safe. Once I know all of this is all over. Or at least as close to over as we can get it.

Paulson: I could not live like that, bro.

Flowers: Ends are but an ebb. The flow comes fast.

Yamato: That oddly made sense. Don’t you Surrealistics types normally talk in code?

Flowers: As the cuddles come for the macaque.

Yamato: So did you shoot her or not, Paulson?

Paulson: Paulson opens his mouth and a number of lilies fall out. Neither react.

Miss Flowers walks further into the armoury, observing operations as a nearby rack of assault rifles begins to melt.

END LOG

addendum 9171.interlude
Miss (Dr.) Flowers reports ongoing advancement of SCP-9171 infection at all levels of Foundation operations. The Emergent Threat Tactical Response Authority (ETTRA) has been instructed to begin preparations for deployment across all Foundation sites. All staff, regardless of prior approval, have been instructed to return to their posts and continue standard operations. Development of counteractive measures is to be henceforth prioritised…

…the kaleidoscope shatters;
wreathings of truth,
torrentling of tomorrows,
breach reality beneath the stone
passages of peoples
worlds behind livings
oneness is cobulated.

meat-bags in distress…

the everwatch comes
and nothing has knowing;
passing of the time,
passing of the plot.
growth till cankering endings.

7 March upon a time, 20Y7

Miss Flowers,

I understand that this is delicate work, but labour shortages are being experienced across all sites at this point. Under no circumstances are you to shift your attention to anything else. I'm not quite sure why we're entertaining this course of investigation anymore, but whatever you find, report it to us immediately!

Do I make myself clear? Miss Flowers, the future of Normalcy depends on your decisive actions. We expect a full report by the end of the week.

Regards,

Chud.

Be nice!

He does seem a little touchy, though, doesn't he? I'm not sure there's a need for this rush.

He obviously wants to get things back on track as quickly as possible. The O5s have to worry ab—

You already know she's right. Things are going exactly as they should.

I agree. And it's only been three hours.

No, it hasn't. You've been at this for four days.

Two hours of which you spent touching a tree in the parking lot.

Right on schedule then! Shall we?

Investigation Log 9171.C
Date: Probably 13 March 2026
Location: Human Resources Offices

BEGIN LOG

Miss Flowers approaches a lone Clerk in the Human Resources offices. The Clerk is busy with paperwork while a YouTube video plays on her phone. The air is full of silence as Miss Flowers spends the next 162 seconds staring at the wall behind the Clerk, waiting for the video to end.

Clerk: Hello? Miss Flowers?

Flowers: Oh! Of course! Hello! I am of the messengers, seeking correspondence.

Clerk: sighs Miss Flowers have you exceeded the recommended dosage of Agnostics? You seem a bit loopier than usual.

Flowers: Within the annals the stories are recorded. Lives noted down for all.

Clerk: I see. And you'd like access to this information why exactly?

Flowers: Dawnings of eras, and movements of suns.

Clerk: Are you sure about that?

Flowers: I am.

Clerk: Gravely One moment.

The Clerk opens the drawer in her chest. It makes a sound Miss Flowers doesn't like, and it drips with red and sadness. Angry papers shake inside in the drawer, and she rifles through for a moment then pulls out a folder with a particularly foul attitude. The Clerk holds the file out to Miss Flowers. She seems parched.

Miss Flowers: The red one speaks. The red one fiddles. Are you one with your days?

Clerk: One day when I have time, but right now I'm going to need you to look over those papers as quickly as you can and hand them back. That's still confidential.

Flowers takes the file from the Clerk. Then papers are but papers. Attitudinal and serene. In the hands of the mad the rage of logic unravels. She pages through the file, occasionally running her finger along it. It is unlikely she realises it is upside down.

Flowers: Climbing peace and climbing woes… and charts and figures and lives and charts and numbers…

Clerk: Yes, that's usually what H.R. reports look like. Overlapping chaos that somehow makes the world go round, even when everyone in it wants it to stop.

Flowers: Seeking peace… stable is the day…

Clerk: If I ever have a stable day here I'll just be suspicious of it, honestly. If I don't have work to do, then the Foundation doesn't exist anymore.

Flowers: And yet the seats are vacant and the sun kisses their faces.

Clerk: Her words turn the colour of mournful. Will it ever be the same again?

Flowers: Maybe, but maybe it shouldn't. Thank you so much, Clerk. We return unto the surgeon the organs of their trade.

Miss Flowers watches as the Clerk takes the folder and places it back in her chest-draw. It rages once more.

Flowers: By the way, does that hurt?

Clerk: Does what hurt?

Flowers: The papers in your chest.

Clerk: Miss Flowers, this is Human Resources. If our chests aren't sore, the staff are behaving themselves, and that's just never going to happen.

Flowers: I see.

Clerk: Besides— She continues speaking as several angry documents climb out her mouth. Miss Flowers waits patiently for the documents to excuse themselves then does so herself.

END LOG

Addendum 9171.whatwillido

I don't think the O5s are going to be happy about this.

Happy about what?

Do they matter?

Often enough, yes.

They could do with some time off, I reckon.

You reckon everyone should take time off.

I do not!

It's a good point, though.

Walk me through that, would ya?

Sometimes fresh perspective helps.

And often it just causes confusion when a course has been set.

Maybe.

For lack of discernment you choose to eat your own tail.

What?

And so have they, haven't they?

…

Evermoreandalwaysforever

To the joint O5 Council an Ethics Committee,

As stars rise, the path is opened. A guide comes. The hall of yesternow calls to us, and us must answer.

I beseech thee!

Sincere regards,
Miss Flowers.

Now, 2026.

Dr. Flowers! Start making sense immediately or we will be forced to replace you!

screech

FROM: Dr. Jensen <djensen@@scp.int>
TO: O5 Council <o5council@@scp.int>, Ethics Committee <tni.pcs|scihte#tni.pcs|scihte>
CC: Doctor Tara Flowers <tni.pcs|srewolft#tni.pcs|srewolft>
SUBJECT: SCP-9171

Good day!

Miss Flowers reports that she has figured it out and would like to present her findings at the soonest possible opportunity.

Due to some current difficulties, she has also requested that I be present to assist with bridging any communication gaps that may arise from Miss Flowers' somewhat regularly compromised state. If the esteemed O5 Council and Ethics Committee would be so kind as to suggest a time to meet, we at the Surrealistics Department would be very grateful.

Kind regards,
Dean

Figured it out, have you?

Maybe. Hiding in plain sight is a good way to move.

Being everyone does have its advantages. Well, less everywhere recently.

Sometimes it takes a once in a lifetime event to gain a new perspective.

They do help, yeah.

Kind of makes you think, doesn't it?

I avoid thinking wherever possible.

That explains a lot.

HEY!

Briefing Log 9171.A
Date: 9 March 2026
Location: Site 19

BEGIN LOG

The boardroom is unchanged from the previous meeting days earlier. The O5s and Ethics Committee members look irritable as Miss Flowers enters. Dr. Jensen joins them via a video call through a monitor mounted on the wall. He flickers his fingers in front of his face, pupils dilated.

O5-1: Miss Flowers, I hope you have a good explanation for why it has taken as long as it has.

Flowers: Time doesn't chase nor does it keep.

O5-1: Miss. Flowers. Not today. Sit and start explaining yourself.

O5-2: From what we've heard, you've had quite the adventure.

Flowers: I was very lucky to have met the meetings and observed the few. Each thread diconverges within itself and one another.

Jensen: Miss Flowers is very happy to have been able to meet the staff. They're an interesting bunch.

E1: Can we get to it, please? Everything has only gotten worse since we last spoke. Everyone is late, nothing is getting done.

Flowers: Ah, but therein lies the griftynit! The patterns of it run the lines we know.

O5-1: Flowers!

Jensen: But that's the thing! Nothing has changed.

O5-1: Dr. Jensen you're supposed to be here to translate!

Jensen: I am translating. Miss Flowers believes that nothing within the Foundation has changed for either the good or the bad. Whatever we think that geyser is doing… it's not. It's just a geyser that's bigger than it should be drawing water from where it shouldn't be. It's a basically just contributing to the movement of the water cycle, so we should refer the geyser to the weather people so they can make sure this doesn't cause a runaway greenhouse effect, but yeah. It's a geyser. A big, big, really big geyser that geysers. Regularly.

O5-4: Miss Flowers, we're not ones to take coincidence at face value. That geyser appeared and things shifted in the zeitgeist. Standards are being stretched. Norms ignored. There's clearly some kind of ontological shift at play.

Flowers: Tidal lives breach reality, and I am at peace.

Jensen: The geyser is involved, just not anomalously. It's psychological. There was a video on YouTube.

O5-5: For the love of… aren't we scrubbing videos off the internet for this?

O5-4: We are, but consider that it's a geyser that shoots columns of water into the low stratosphere on a 4-7 hourly basis and things start making sense.

O5-1: And we have already ruled out memetics.

Flowers: For your viewing pleasure.

She holds her phone in front of her and a video begins to play. The Joint Council leans forward, squinting to see better. The frame opens with a shot of SCP-9171 surrounded by a fence. Gentle music plays.

Video: Hey guys! It's me CloverGill, and yes, I'm in Paris. Or rather, I'm outside of it. Because of course I am. A giant hole connecting to the bottom of the ocean appears; duh, I was going to come. I don't really know why, but seeing it on the news was… surreal? Is that the word? I don't know…

[[EXTRANEOUS DATA REDACTED]]

But I was sitting there in that coffee shop seeing this on the news and I just… I couldn't picture my life like that anymore. I gave myself to everyone around me, all the time. And I wanted to. It wasn't their fault. Not always. I wanted to help people. I wanted to do well at work. I just didn't realise what I was losing along the way. I was losing me.

And then a giant hole appears outside of Paris and something in me just shifted.

Once in a lifetime. That's what they say when stuff like this happens, right? But why do I need once in a life time things to happen so that I can smile? That's why I came here. Yes, the geyser is a big thing and it's weird and, yeah, humanity will figure it out. But I came here because I always wanted to come here. Ever since I was a little kid, I've always wanted to visit France and at one point I almost went, but life had different plans. And then more plans came. And then responsibility came. And then visiting France was just a silly dream I had when I was a kid. I got so lost in time and life that I left life unlived.

And I won't do that anymore.

The video ends with a supercut of the geyser erupting from different angles as CloverGill dances around the perimeter of the geyser to heavy EDM.

O5-2: Our team is just letting the civilians in at this point.

O5-1: What does that inspirational office poster of a video have to do with 9171, Flowers?

Flowers: Melodious trickles, and rhythmic flows dictate the river's course. The kaleidoscope is gone and only clarity remains.

Jensen: Go on.

O5-4, under his breath: Oh, god we're losing them.

Flowers: The statisticians eye cast upon the shadows declare the falsehoods false and truthhoods true. And your clerk was very nice, by the way.

Jensen: Tara, are you sure?

Flowers: Indeed. The snakes tail is seasoned and the world is hungry.

Jensen: If you say so…

O5-1: What is it?

Jensen: Miss Flowers disputes the claim that any kind of change to productivity has occurred. Aside from a slight increase in people taking P.T.O. nothing else major has changed at the Foundation. In fact, most people weren't taking P.T.O. regularly at all before this. This latest batch of P.T.O. requests have actually brought us in line with the of the rest of the developed world in terms of using P.T.O. No major deadlines have been missed, with all major threats currently contained, and research progressing well. It seems… It seems that CloverGill person inspired people to start appreciating their lives more.

O5-1: So you believe this CloverGill shifted the ontology of half the Earth's population to be what? More accommodating of leisure time?

Flowers: No. CloverGill is just a woman living her life. The geyser is just a geyser. There's something else at play. It's memetic. A perspective. I call it SCP-9171-RED.

O5-1: The fact that that was remarkably coherent aside, we have already ruled out cognitohazards. We told you this. Not to mention the Memetics Department would have noticed it then.

Flowers: How does one look inward when the inward is the outward.

O5-5: And she's gone again.

Jensen: They missed it because they're infected too. How do you flag something pervasive across the population when it's pervasive?

O5-1: Even if that were true, that still doesn't explain how the geyser is involved in this.

Flowers: One familiar, one further afield. Only one in the room with us now. Through its eyes the world will wither as it grows and never died but ever dawn.

Jensen: Oh! Oh, I get it.

O5-1: Whenever you're ready to share.

Jensen: How do you identify a cognitohazard that makes you react to it as thought it isn't a cognitohazard? How do you react to something that, from your perspective, has been shifted into something unintelligible?

Flowers: Seeds sprout anew, with dawnings and comings to determine.

Jensen: The geyser is just a geyser, but it's aggravated the cognitohazard within humanity. But it's not everyone that has it… just… many. But enough people aren't infected that the contrast is starting to show.

E1: Let's pretend this is a cognitohazard then. How does this involve all the antics among the staff? Cognitohazard or not, what does this thing do?

Flowers: Callouses the heart, deafens the ear.

Jensen: It limits your ability to discern the unintelligible, so you become irrational. It's an anomalous perspective, but it's not the one you're thinking of.

Flowers: Indeed. Anathema to human nature, and embedded within it.

Jensen: And when everyone's infected, it starts to look normal. It's just normal to them, and the uninfected are the problems.

E1: And the clear escalation in staff engagement with H.R. services? There is no doubt—

Jensen: They're all infected too, aren't they, Tara?

Flowers: Nods proudly.

O5-1: What are you talking about?

Flowers: Here, there, everywhere, in and out, and all around.

Jensen: You're infected too. That's why none of this is making sense to you — you can't treat facts about well-being rationally. Most of the staff are infected. It's really just Surrealistics that can see through it.

Flowers: Breaching the now, we peer, we see, we know.

Jensen: Madness is easier to spot when you're mad yourself.

O5-1: This is absurd. The two of you — fuck it, your entire department — have utterly wasted our time while projects fall by the wayside. This matter will be referred to the Ethics Committee for a full evaluation of your negligence.

E1: I agree.

Flowers: Oh, no. That won't be happening.

O5-1: Miss Flowers, you do not get to make that decision.

Flowers: But I already have. As a result of both the O5 Council and the Ethics Committee having been compromised by a cognitohazard impacting your discernment, both bodies will be taken into custody and operational management of the SCP Foundation will pass to the Surrealistics Department until the Memetics Department and Amnestics Department can restore cognitive normalcy within leadership.

The Joint Council is quiet for a moment, processing. O5-1 begins to chuckle until he is openly laughing. The rest of the council smirks and sneers.

E1: Sedition.

O5-1: As I said. This is absurd, and you will be detained until your hearing before the Ethics Committee.

Flowers: You're right. Miss Flowers lifts her glass of water. This is absurd. She's toasts the Council. That's why we're sitting on the roof.

O5-1: Wha—

The Joint Council looks from Miss Flowers to the roof to find it is the carpeted floor. All water glass empty their contents onto the floor below them, and chaos erupts as a security team wearing white rabbit masks bursts into the room and begins taking the Joint Council into custody, swatting them down from the roof with brooms. Miss Flowers finishes her glass of water and collects her belongs before walking across the roof and leaving via the open window.

Addendum 9171.beginagain

As of 31 March 2026, the Surrealistics Department — supported by MTF Command, the cafeteria staff, and all departments related to memetic hazards — has taken full operational and administrative control of all SCP Foundation functions pending the deprogramming of Foundation leadership structures. Leadership of deprogramming has been handed to Junior Researcher Ada Peterson of the Department of Entomology. She's 22 and we believe she has the right stuff to get this all sorted out. Probably.

Miss Flowers has been placed as the sole member of Ethics Committee deliberations which will require her to talk about the problem with herself, potentially for days at a time. However, the Foundation has every faith that our well-being is in very capable hands.

(I'll be as quick as possible, I promise!)

All departments currently invested research involving archaeology, the human condition, the Appliance War, anomalous spaces, cognitohazards, Tuesday, brownie recipes, and violence are to refocus efforts to facilitates faster deprogramming turnaround times. Miss Flowers' proposal to extend deprogramming times will be heard by a council of her peers who will be heavily dosed with Agnostics during this process. The anticipated turnaround is currently one Atlantean lunar cycle.

Methodology for managing SCP-9171 infection is to be shared with all Groups of Interest to promote positivity when dealing with adversaries who could be friends if we just tried a little harder, honestly. To facilitate this shift in Foundation doctrine, Miss Flowers has formally addressed all staff at all sites, as well as the Global Occult Coalition.

Extant and Emergent.

To whom it concerns which is everyone,

Please note, after reviewing Foundation processes, we have determined that large overhauls to operations and culture can be expected in the near future as we brave these dark waters without our beloved leadership. To ensure this process is as smooth as possible, starting immediately, the following changes will be implemented:

All Surrealistics staff are to be treated the same as always, but smile at them more. They like that.
Currently vacant parking spaces due to deprogramming efforts are to be left empty for the return of the assigned staff.
Tuesdays are now optional. Wednesdays are not.
The little Red Voice is to be forgiven.
SCP-3000 is to receive enrichment in the form of Miss Rachel videos to promote cognitive development and stress relief. She will also teach 3000 how to sew.
Reasonable deadlines are to be respected. Infractions will be subject to disciplinary action.
Cleaning up after yourself is strictly mandatory. Infractions will be subject to disciplinary action.
The use of the Human Resource department is under review, but still allowed. We think they might be infected too. Please exercise caution.
Hydrate regularly.
KPI due dates will be posted at the end of the week. Please ensure total compliance with these submission dates.

This new same as it ever was may come as a shock to many, but as we process the infected population, we anticipate an exponential decline in SCP-9171-RED infection. Which is kind of sad, because despite the problems he seemed nice. Let's all raise a toast to an anomaly that got us where we are, but that we probably never needed. He will be kind of missed.

As we forge onward, I would encourage all of you to embrace this new normal with excitement and curiosity. We at the Surrealistics Department will do everything in our power to assist those who struggle with this transition. It can be daunting, but I can assure you that there is nothing quite as freeing than to stop making sense.

Look after each other during these times, my unthoughts are with you all.

Kind regards
Miss Flowers,
Surrealistics Department.

P.S. Shuttles to visit the geyser are being arranged. The sign-up sheet is posted in a lab somewhere.

I think that went better than expected!

Considering D-Class was the alternative, I'd say so.

Well, at least it's over. What's going to happen to me, though?

Reports are pending confirmation, but it seems you will probably not cause a runaway greenhouse effect.
So, now you're a tourist destination.

And the Veil?

In tact. We won't be revealing ourselves just because something weird happened that one time.

I guess I better get used to visitors, huh?

Prepare for construction first.
It looks like France is going to turn you into the world's largest marble fountain.

I'm honoured! But… are you going to be okay?

Me? Yeah, I'll be okay. It was always going to end this way, anyway.

What makes you say that?

Because everything has its time. I'm okay with this.

I'll miss you.

I'll be around for a while still. It'll take them some time to get rid of me completely.

Yes, it will take time to develop an aerosolized amnestic for the world.

Then I suppose we should enjoy the time we have.

I'd like that too.

Nerds.

BE NICE!

Is anybody else hungry? I'm rather famished.

I could eat. Let's gooooo!

Who knew he could cut loose?

Isn't everyone a little mad?

This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)

Stop Making Sense

Genius of Love