ANOMALY RELATED EMERGENCY CALL DETECTED
LOCATION: ST. ANDREWS, WALES, UK
PATCHING..
July 8th, 19██
3:02 PM local time
Foundation Operator:
Police Emergency, what is your address?
Ernest Macduff:
[PERSONAL INFORMATION REDACTED]. Could ya hurry up then? There's a fish with a knife! A bloody knife! Or a little.. (INDISCERNIBLE) Pooched if I know. I don't know how he got here but he's saying some crazy stuff, a real bampot I tell ya!
MTF-GAMMA-4 ("GREEN STAGS") DISPATCHED
Operator:
I've sent a unit your way. Whats it saying?
Macduff:
Aye, saying he's some bloke named Mac Beth or whatever the [EXPLETIVE REMOVED]. Spoutin' some shite about how I'm his mortal enemy or whatever the hell. Little funt was trottin' down the road, didn't give half a damn about me till he heard me nan say my name. Then he came over here spoutin' some haver about retribution, couldn't process it if I tried.
Operator:
Understood, sir. Police are still on their way. Where is he?
Macduff:
Aye, he's swinging at me now, little bastard. (TO ANOMALY) I'll take you on any day you little fud, come here!
Operator:
Please do not engage with it, sir. You don't know what it is capable of, please don't agitate it.
Macduff:
(TO ANOMALY) Ya got me confused for a dafty prick aint ya? I'm gonna stomp this little [EXPLETIVE REMOVED] till he looks like the dingleberry I gots to wipe off me bum.
Moments pass. Indiscernible grunting and yelling is audible.
Macduff:
Ah [EXPLETIVE REMOVED] he got me ankles! Now hes gonna a square go, tell ya' what.
Operator:
Are you okay? Are you bleeding?
Macduff:
Course I'm facken bleedin. Ah fucken scunner that hurt. Little bastard got me leg! Gonna stomp it, I swear ta christ! Shite, it's all gammie now.
Operator:
Sir, police are almost at your location. Stay on the line.
At this time, MTF-Gamma-4 arrives.
Macduff
Might'a had a bit too much bez, but that doesn't look like the bobbies, it looks like the army. What's going on?
Operator
They're there to help you, sir. Listen to them.
Macduff
Now yer talkin out ya fanny flaps, what the hell-
Indiscernible yelling.
Ernest Macduff is detained and given Class A Amnestic at a local Foundation site before being returned to his home by law enforcement. SCP-8310 is successfully recovered by Gamma-4 and brought back to Site 44 without incident.
Item#: 8310
Level2
Containment Class:
euclid
Secondary Class:
none
Disruption Class:
keneq
Risk Class:
notice
SCP-8310
Item #: SCP-8310
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8310 is to be kept in a locked standard 2m by 2m habitat under routine CCTV surveillance. Conversations with SCP-8310 are to be kept strictly to approved questions to prevent unnecessary agitation.
Description: SCP-8310 is a Ambystoma mexicanum measuring at 43 cm in length and 7 cm in width, with a weight of 28 grams.
The anomalous properties of SCP-8310 stem from its anthropomorphic qualities that allow it to stand up like a human on its hind legs and breathe oxygen, along with the ability to converse in Early Modern English. SCP-8310 is able to discuss most topics at length, suggesting human-level intelligence. SCP-8310 believes it is Macbeth from the Shakespearean tale of the same name.
SCP-8310-1 is any individual with Macduff, or Malcolm, in their names that is recognized as having such by SCP-8310. SCP-8310 becomes hostile upon recognizing SCP-8310-1's name, with SCP-8310 often expressing a strong desire to engage in a duel/confrontation with SCP-8310-1. During this time, SCP-8310 will also practice evasive maneuvers to elude potential capture. SCP-8310's aggression will not falter for several minutes to hours depending on circumstances, leading to extended risk of containment breach.
SCP-8310-A is a miniature long sword of Scottish design, 6cm in length and .5cm in width. SCP-8310 possesses the ability to produce this sword at will. The sword is capable of making very small cuts, however SCP-8310's swordsmanship is limited, keeping lethality to a minimum.
After SCP-8310 was brought into Foundation custody, it immediately expressed discontent with its conditions, expressing a strong desire to pursue SCP-8310-1 (Ernest Macduff). Upon arrival at Site-44, SCP-8310 was brought into an interviewing room.
Initial SCP-8310 Interview
Junior Researcher Malcolm:
Time is 17:18 UTC. Beginning interview with SCP-8310.
SCP-8310:
What strange formality is this that greeteth me? Will thou grant me solace in a duel with that miserable creature you call a man, the wretched Macduff?
Malcolm:
All Foundation personnel are required to log the start time of an interview. And for the final time, no. May I ask you a few questions, 8310?
SCP-8310:
Canst thou cease to call me thus? Mine name is Lord Macbeth, Thane of Cawdor, and mine shall be so addressed and none otherwise.
At this time, SCP-8310 appears to trot around the table on its hind legs with its hands clasped behind its back in a formal matter.
Malcolm:
Okay. Your Nobleness, why do you have such form? Where did yo- or, didst thou obtain thine physical appearance?
SCP-8310:
Now thou speakest like a true man! Yet still thy words ring with naught but riddles. Mine is the lofty subduer of wenches across the lands, whatever form thoust claimest mine has is rubbish, considering thine large and- frankly- quite unsightly looks thyself, and the appearance of thine fellows.
Malcolm:
Whatever could thine mean? My (pause) handsomeness is very pronounced, thank you very much.
SCP-8310 proceeds to look Researcher Malcolm up and down for approximately 6 seconds before bursting out in laughter.
SCP-8310
No, nonono. Thine has to be a jester of some manner. You?
SCP-8310 laughs for about 5 more seconds
Malcolm:
Listen here, I am one of the most attractive scientists at this Site, and I won't have it questioned by some damn fish.
While Researcher Malcolm rants about his appearance, SCP-8310 looks at his name card, with Junior Researcher Malcolm in bold text. SCP-8310's expression turns from that of amusement to a grimace.
SCP-8310:
Wait. Malcolm? Mine knew thine was off in a way. Thou and thine heritage are no better than the rat dung I tread on while walking in the mud.
Junior Researcher Malcolm is now SCP-8310-1 beyond this point.
SCP-8310:
Thine fate is now.
SCP-8310 produces its sword and flourshies it at SCP-8310-1. SCP-8310-1's choice of weapon is a ballpoint pen.
SCP-8310-1:
You can't be serious.
SCP-8310 and SCP-8310-1 "duel" for a period of roughly 15 seconds.
SCP-8310:
Ha! Ha! Thoust call that a fighting stance? Mine pinky hast better flourishes!
SCP-8310-1:
(in a panicked state) SECURITY!!! SECURITY!!! TERMINATE INTERVIEW NOW!! WHERE THE [EXPLETIVE REMOVED] ARE YOU??
SCP-8310:
Victory is in my grasp.
SCP-8310 disarms SCP-8310-1 with its sword.
SCP-8310:
And thus, the sword is mightier than the pen.
SCP-8310-1 flees the room on all fours after being stunned by SCP-8310.
Proceedings are being held to discuss the immediate termination of SCP-8310 reassignment of Junior Researcher Malcolm.
Immediately following the evacuation of SCP-8310-1 from the room, SCP-8310 resisted attempts of recapture. This led to a Containment Breach, detailed in Incident Log SCP-8310-A.
INCIDENT LOG SCP-8310-A
5 seconds after the depature of SCP-8310-1, security personnel enter the room to detain it. Below is the transcription of the video footage of SCP-8310's escape.
00-00-00:
2 Site-44 security personnel enter the room. SCP-8310 seems to ready itself in a running stance.
00-00-03:
One of the guards reaches for SCP-8310, but misses as it swerves to the side, off the table.
00-00-05:
On the floor, it runs underneath one of the guards, and is briefly stunned as the guards foot makes contact with its tail. SCP-8310 launches an array of expletives at the guards after this occurs.
SCP-8310:
Good googly fucking dammit! You god damn smooth-brained fopdoodle! I'll [REDACTED] your entire family tree!
00-00-10:
SCP-8310 continues verbally berating multiple Site personnel as it scampers underneath multiple doors and out of Site-44.
Investigations are ongoing onto how the fuck a fish eluded our security. I mean seriously, do we have mall cops? SCP-8310 eluded capture.
ANOMALY RELATED EMERGENCY CALL DETECTED
MOBILE TASK FORCE ASSISTANCE REQUESTED
MTF GAMMA-4 ("GREEN STAGS") DISPATCHED
VIDEO LOG
DATE: July 16th, 19██, 2:04 AM local time
[BEGIN LOG]
0204 MST:
G-1:
Okay, body cam check.
G-2:
Check.
G-3:
Check.
G-4:
Check.
G-1:
Anomaly is an anthropomorphic axolotl, with a risk class of 1. Keep your NOD's on and your eyes peeled.
G-4:
An axolotl? Didn't we deal with an axolotl last week?
G-2:
Yeah, we did. Breached Site 44 a couple of hours ago. Now we gotta clean it up.
0205 MST:
G-1:
Check that chatter. Approaching last known location now.
Gamma-4 proceeds through a wooded fence attached to the home of the 999 caller that called about a disturbance involving an entity matching SCP-8310's description.
0206 MST:
G-3:
Hold on. Check this out.
G-3 gestures towards a body lying face down on the grass.
G-1
Check for a pulse.
G-3:
Oh fuck. Shit. Don't need to do that.
G-3 flips the body over to reveal a gash on its jugular. The cut is crooked and uneven in nature, but also relatively small. The body is also missing its left eye.
G-3:
Think it was our anomaly?
G-1:
Most likely. Eyes peeled.
0210 MST:
G-1:
Approaching clearing in fence.
Indiscernible dialogue is heard behind a shed.
SCP-8310:
Is thou so high and mighty now? Does thine think thine nobility in my maw? Ohohoho, I don't think so. Thou'rt unfit even to enjoy consuming the flesh of. Thou'rt more noble in mineself, in fact.
G-1:
(whispered) Engagement positions.
G-1 through 4 line up behind G-1. G-1 confronts SCP-8310 with a dart gun.
G-1:
STOP. DON'T MO- oh whathefuck-
SCP-8310 drops a half-consumed eyeball. It attempts to scamper before G-1 shoots it with the dart gun and bags it for recontainment.
[END LOG]
NOTE FROM HEAD RESEARCHER MALCOLM
Macbeth, Act 3, Scene 5
"He shall spurn fate, scorn death, and bear
His hopes 'bove wisdom, grace, and fear."
Little bastard.