Item #: SCP-9688
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-9688 is to be contained in a standard object storage locker at Site-78.
Description: SCP-9688 is a metal toilet originally installed in the male public restroom at [REDACTED] Bus Station, England. When a human vomits into and then flushes SCP-9688, a stream of water laced with peppermint extract will be fired from inside its bowl, directly into the subject’s open mouth.
Discovery Log: SCP-9688 was discovered to have been created by Gregory Simmons, a local civilian and mage living in the area. Other similarly affected toilets were found in the public restrooms of several additional locations Mr. Simmons often frequented. These instances featured self-cleaning properties, higher resistance to damage, and specifically an enchantment that dissuaded the insertion of safety cones.
The following is an interview between Mr. Simmons and Dr. Charlotte Grant:
Grant: Veil protocols forbid mages from placing any sort of enchantments in community spaces. You are aware of that?
Simmons: Shit, I didn’t know, ok? rubs forehead Probably read it somewhere like… fifteen years ago, but I forget.
Grant: And your reasoning for the creation of SCP-9688?
Simmons: Doing my part as a concerned citizen! Do you know how many people use that thing on a Saturday night? Don’t want it overflowing with bile…
Grant: We did notice that SCP-9688 functioned far better than its condition might suggest. So you also made it unable to clog?
Simmons: Yeah, the spray’s just a bonus. Nobody wants to mack down on someone with vomit all over their lips.
Grant: Why not give it superior enchantments?
Simmons: You people found me throwing up in a bus station toilet on a Tuesday afternoon. I spend my free time enchanting toilets, you think I have capabilities beyond that?
Grant: You’d be surprised. Do you have an affinity for any other arcane skills?
Simmons: Like I ever considered that… I'm not great with most magic, much less the mundane, even. Trust me when I say it’s a good thing I don’t know how to drive…
Grant: Was that why you couldn't repair the other nearby toilets?
Simmons: That's the thing, I can only enchant ones that aren't completely broken. It was the only working toilet in the whole bus station! Sure it didn’t even have a lid and you’d probably get god knows how many diseases just from breathing in the air around it, but it was better than nothing! …Just did what I could.
Mr. Simmons’s current employment status revealed him to have been unemployed for the last two years. Foundation employment and basic housing support is being taken under consideration.