Good tidings to ewwwww, whoever you are.
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Item #: SCP-9961
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: Witnesses to SCP-9961 with security clearance below Level 3 have been amnesticized. Personnel at Level 3 or above will adhere to the prearranged cover story, which ends with SCP-9961-1's emotional outburst. Any new briefings on SCP-9961 must be approved by the designated disclosure officer, then co-signed by the Site Director, Assistant Director of Personnel, or an Ethics Committee representative.
SCP-9961-2 will remain under indefinite surveillance. It is expected to attend regular sessions with a substance abuse counselor, and has been strongly discouraged from attending any social function with an open bar.
Description: SCP-9961 was a transformative event that affected Senior Researcher Charles Stafford (retroactively designated SCP-9961-1) during a New Year's Eve party at Site-76.
Executive Complex (Building A, Meeting Room 1)
2025/12/31, 23:57 hours
The room has been decorated with balloons and tinsel. Festive music plays in the background. An overhead projector displays the current time down to the second.
Thirty-eight staff members are in attendance, clustered in various groups; SCP-9961-1 is visible in the crowd, drinking from a disposable cup.
Dr. Christopher Nguyen, Department of Biology: I'm telling you, 2026 is the year I get back on track. I'm gonna hit the gym three times a week, minimum.
Ivan Borkowski, Geology: I'll see you there! Heck, I'll be your spotter. How about you, Joan? Any New Year's resolutions?
Dr. Joan Goderich, Analytics: Oh, no. I don't do those. Statistically, less than 10% of people actually stick with their resolutions, long-term. There are better ways to change your life.
Zachary Villalobos, Sociology: Well, I'm going to quit smoking.
Borkowski: Again?
Villalobos: Practice makes perfect!
Both men laugh heartily.
Officer Brad Prior, Security: I'm planning to read one hundred books. At least a hundred. (pause) Yeah.
Dr. Hamish Day, Astronomy: I really want to crack SCP-341 this year.
Olivia Price, Theology: You say that every year.
Dr. Day: Because there's an explanation! I know it!
SCP-9961-1 pushes through the crowd to refill his cup from the punch bowl. His gait is unsteady and his face is flushed; he is obviously intoxicated.
Price: As for me… I'm going to try to reconcile with my wife. I know it's a long shot, but for the kids' sake-
SCP-9961-1: (shouting) Aw, just divorce that bitch already!
The crowd falls silent.
Dr. Day: Jesus, Chuck, what's wrong with you?
SCP-9961-1: Everything! Everything's wrong. (sobbing) I'm a failure.
Attendees murmur. Most try to ignore the outburst in favor of watching the clock.
Villalobos: Was he, uh… (tips hand to imitate drinking) pregaming?
Dr. Goderich: Odds seem good.
Price: Oh, hush, you two. Charles… I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but-
SCP-9961-1: I didn't do anything important this year. I haven't done anything with my life. I screwed everything up.
Price: But, ah, if you'd like to sit down somewhere and talk-
SCP-9961-1: Why bother? I can't do anything right. I'm alone.
Various: (in unison) Ten… nine…
Dr. Nguyen: Oop! Here we go, here we go. Six! Five!
SCP-9961-1: I wish… (hiccuping) I wish I could just start over. You know? Just…
Various: Three… two… one… Happy New Year!
At exactly 00:00, SCP-9961-1 throws up onto the refreshment table, spraying appetizers with half-digested food. Pretzels fall to the ground. Bystanders recoil. Price shrieks.
Borkowski: Ugh.
Dr. Day: What the hell, man?
SCP-9961-1 wheezes, then doubles over, hands on his knees, and vomits on the floor. This time, the ejecta is stained dark red with blood.
Price: Lord have mercy.
Officer Prior: Give him room!
Dr. Nguyen: What was in that punch? (shouting) Was there something in the punch?!
Witnesses scatter. SCP-9961-1 continues vomiting. After six seconds of continuous ejection, dark blood is supplanted by yellow bile; after fourteen seconds, SCP-9961-1 begins expelling his own entrails, which audibly sizzle on contact with air. His body starts dehydrating rapidly.
Security Officer Prior sounds the evacuation alarm. Attendees proceed to the nearest safe room in an orderly fashion, with the exception of Assistant Director Michael Thurman, who stands clear and watches SCP-9961 with detached interest.
Having regurgitated his entire digestive system, SCP-9961-1 is visibly desiccated, with hollow eyes and sunken cheeks. His lower abdomen appears concave. He heaves one last time, but with nothing else to disgorge, the force of this muscle contraction crushes SCP-9961-1's torso. Bone fragments and discolored teeth drop from his lips. The body slumps forward, tips over into the viscera, and both dissolve into a steaming mass of tissue.
Six Tactical Response Officers wearing biohazard gear enter the room. One of them escorts Assistant Director Thurman to safety while the others establish a perimeter and await containment technicians.
Over the course of six minutes, the biomass congeals into an ovoid shape. It distends gradually under internal pressure, then splits lengthwise. A naked adult male (SCP-9961-2) rises from the sac, dripping organic slurry.
SCP-9961-2: (calmly) I should learn to play an instrument.
Testing confirmed that SCP-9961-2 is completely identical to SCP-9961-1, possessing all of the same memories, skills, and physical traits. It has no exceptional resistance to injury or amnestic treatment, and as such, its memory of the event has been modified.
Further investigations proved inconclusive. On-site sensors did not detect the anomaly; SCP-9961-1 had no direct contact with anomalous materials in the preceding eight months, and had no reported conditions outside of seasonal depression. Absent clear evidence of a catalyst, SCP-9961 is considered a unique event.
Given Senior Researcher Stafford's importance within the Department of History, SCP-9961-2 has been allowed to continue its work under the illusion that it is SCP-9961-1. In the unlikely event of another incident, this policy will be re-evaluated.
Addendum: As of 2027/01/01, SCP-9961-2 has not dedicated any time towards learning a musical instrument.